Co-equal parenting, Tips #16-20

16.

The reason you can’t put adult decisions in the hands of children is not because you think you’re stronger and more powerful than they are—it’s because you are supposed to know better. Amy permitted her son Johnny to disrespect his father, Jay. Johnny made it clear that he was in charge of his relationship with his dad, and thus he felt he entitled to treat Jay like last week’s garbage.
17.

The greatest contribution you can make by having children is to instill values in them. If you and your spouse have significantly different beliefs on core issues, you run the risk of manipulation by your children, inconsistent messages, or worst of all, no values instilled whatsoever. Just as importantly, you need to decide on the moral and behavioral standards that you will support and enforce in your family. Curt and Gloria disagreed on a host of parenting decisions, such as religion, pornography, and their daughter’s mental health.
18.

Your children deserve better than to be the third-party victims of your failure to keep yourself from addictions, so that you serve the best example for their behavior while protecting them from harm. Sam was a smoker and Stephanie wasn’t. She wanted the kids to be raised in an environment free of cigarette smoke, and he objected.
19.

Ideally, you would partner with someone who shared your religious beliefs or lack of them, but if you have differing degrees of religious beliefs, establish consistent practices in your home so that you do not confuse your children or undermine the other parent while also respecting your children’s age-appropriate freedom to choose their own level of faith. Willie was not religious and Joan was. Thankfully, Willie did not object to religion, so there was no problem, but there could have been. Just the same, when two divorced parents are either of different religions, or one is religious and the other is not, conflict tends to result. It will be very confusing to the children, not to mention disruptive to the parents, for the children to have to attend a different church every other week. Like so many other issues, religion is not one that should be inconsistent between the parents.
20.

Teach your children how to value others by how you and your spouse value each other. Show them how to be spouses and what to look for in a future partner. Harold believed that he was the sole head of the family, superior to his wife and children. Leslie wanted to raise her sons to be respectful of women and to understand that a husband and wife in a marriage were equal. She also hoped to instill some assertiveness in her daughter, even though Leslie herself had failed to stand up for herself as much as she should have.