I know what it’s like to be left for dead because when I was a sick infant, the doctors predicted I might die or be disabled. I also know what it’s like to trample that pessimism by reading at age three, earning a law degree, and writing (so far) two books. A child-centered pre-nup can help couples even if they have been at loggerheads for some time. I hope this book will shed light on strategies that you might have been too frustrated, inexperienced, or even madly in love to consider. It is never too late to put your kids first.
To that end, every parent should endeavor to protect his or her children. Everybody knows about keeping them safe from fires, diseases, and criminals, but kids are exposed to a much more frequent (and often more dangerous) risk—their own parents. Children will make plenty of their own mistakes and will learn some tough lessons. Having them take responsibility for your poor choices as well is just too much to ask. Prevention is the best form of protection, and a child-centered pre-nup forces you to confront issues before they even become bones of contention. Failing to have a child-centered pre-nup is no less egregious than leaving your doors wide open after you’ve received word that an escaped convict is tearing through your neighborhood.
A child-centered pre-nup leaves nothing to chance, enabling parents, and ultimately their children, to take charge of their lives. Whether you are dating, engaged, married, or divorced, you can plan for how you will react to what the future holds. Your children will live in a predictable environment, and you will rest confident that your household will never be lampooned on Wife Swap or Supernanny. You will never be hauled into court because the other parent wants to make a big deal out of a problem that you never addressed before it mushroomed.
People are pretty pessimistic about marriage these days, what with our 50%-plus divorce rate and all. But that statistic is misleading because it compares apples to oranges. Very few, if any, of those people had a child-centered pre-nup. I read recently that 38% of children of divorce are depressed five years later. I bet almost none of their parents wrote a child-centered pre-nup, either. We can bemoan destructive divorce, but we can also take heart in that we have a way to prevent it or fix it. Child-centered pre-nups will make grim divorce statistics a thing of the past.
Not enough people have come to terms with what poor marriage planning really amounts to—an insidious form of child abuse. Who among us would think it a good idea to allow your children to learn about electricity by putting a metal key into a wall socket? How about knowing your allergic and asthmatic daughter is being raised in a home where mold grows rampantly? Of course, no one would condone that degree of abject stupidity. But letting your family stumble toward collapse, with your kids caught in the crosshairs of the acrimony between you and their other parent, is as abusive as deliberately burning their arms with a curling iron.
Having a child-centered pre-nup honors the most sacred duty you will ever have—to be the strongest role model in your children’s lives, even in ways you don’t know. Nobody certified my mother or my father. No one made them pass a test. No agent came to the house to renew their license as parents. Other than my relatives, almost every other pivotal person in my life has acquired his or her standing through training that resulted in a license. My law professors were licensed by a state bar; my teachers had their credentials from the state; the same was true of my doctors, nurses, and therapists. Even my hairdresser had to pass an exam before she was allowed to shampoo my hair. But with the most important responsibility human beings can possibly undertake, we provide little preparation and do nothing to verify parents’ ability. If it takes over a year to be licensed to paint fingernails, why shouldn’t every parent devote a few days to draft a child-centered agreement that will last a lifetime.
That said, child-centered pre-nups are for people who care more about the truth and the future than what the other parent thinks of them. If you are hell-bent on telling your spouse what he or she wants to hear instead of what that person needs to know, you aren’t ready to put your children first and write a child-centered pre-nup. We are in the twenty-first century now. The era of the man being the head of the family is long gone. The era of the woman being the sole caregiver and final arbiter of all parenting decisions is also history. A child-centered pre-nup recognizes that we live in a society that is more balanced than it used to be, but we have a good distance yet to go before we achieve true equality on all fronts between husbands and wives.
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