Calming kids' nerves: What to tell them about divorce

1. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. Children do not ask for selfish parents, but they’ll try to accommodate you and blame themselves, even with the irony that all the while the parents are ignoring the kids’ needs and failing to take responsibility. Child-centered divorces are about solutions, not blame and not competition. When you cast blame at each other, they will dart in front of that blame to protect the attached parent. The best way to ensure that they won’t blame themselves is by you as parents focusing on the future instead of blaming each other. Even acknowledging in your written agreement that you affirm the things you’ve told your kids about their lack of blame for the divorce would be a helpful way to get both parents on the same page.

2. Spare the kids the specific details about why you are divorcing. Is there really a reason you can give that will make the kids say, “Yes, now I see. Great idea!”? No. What can you say that won’t make at least one of you look bad? The less you do to put down the other parent will actually work in YOUR favor later. Don’t think you’re hiding the truth—you’re just letting the kids get through the crisis, grow up, and discover these realities for themselves.

3. Most parents can interact civilly with each other not long after the divorce, and often right away. If you can’t keep your household intact, you need at least to keep your traditions intact. Holidays are for your kids to celebrate, not for you to mark your territory. Did you enjoy holidays and events as a kid? If you had married parents or cooperative divorced parents, you probably did. You owe your kids the same. If holidays and other events were a stress for you because you had feuding parents, you only have to look as far as your own experience to know that that was a mistake you would never want to bring upon your kids. Your involvement with your ex won’t end with a divorce decree. As long as you and your kids are alive, you will have the potential for interactions with your ex—at school, at holidays, at sports events, at weddings, at funerals, at graduations, and so many more opportunities. Model for your kids that you love them more than you dislike each other.

4. Respect their love for and loyalty to the other parent. Bad spouses can still be good parents. I’ve met a lot of people who have had three spouses, but I don’t know anyone with three sets of parents. Even bad parents usually have their kids’ love and loyalty. Write down in your divorce agreement the positive aspects of each parent’s parenting style as a way of centering your attitude toward your ex around the good reasons you married him or her. Things were not always bad in your marriage, and even on your worst day as a married or divorced couple, you always have your kids as reasons to be grateful to your ex. You wanted to break up your family. Your kids can’t be in two places at once, and if you’re not careful, they won’t want to be in either. It is smart to agree not only on parenting time but also on how you will fill your alone time—both to make sure you have some and also to make sure you don’t have so much that all you do is sulk.

5. You want to be able to tell your children—but only if you can do so honestly—that you will remain financially secure after the divorce. Very few people inhabit bridges after a divorce. Cut all your manicures, golf, movies, and hair styling before you change anything about your kids’ lives. Prepare a budget and then reorder it so that the things that affect only you or your ex are at the bottom. Chances are, you can cut things from your budget so that your kid can continue his guitar lessons or her ballet class.

Making parenting time smooth for each parent

1. Should the children have a role in choosing whether to attend parenting time? Yes, they should have a role in choosing parenting time, but parents always have to remember that they pulled rank when they were married, and they need to pull rank even when they’re divorced, when they know what’s best for the kids. The kids should have a role in choosing the initial parenting time schedule and whether to modify it long-term, but choosing to skip, delay or shorten each visit on a case-by-case basis should not be an option. Allowing such will lead to manipulation and will result in a competition between the parents.

2. Where should exchanges of parenting time take place? Exchanges of parenting time should take place wherever it is smoothest and will not make the children feel like a financed vehicle being seized by the repo man. If that can be each parent’s home, terrific. If it has to be an alternate location, that’s fine as well. Another adult can even supervise the exchange if the mere sight or sound of the other parent will cause a reaction in one parent that will make the children uncomfortable.

3. What should each parent do to prepare the children for their time with the other parent? It’s only fair to the kids that all their stuff be packed and ready. If they are old enough to do this themselves, they should. If not, they deserve help. Ultimately, however, it falls to the parents to make sure the kids are ready, because if parents don’t ensure that readiness, they are creating a problem for their ex that will get that person’s parenting time off to a bad start, which will quickly trickle down to the children and ruin their time as well.

4. What happens when one parent misses his or her parenting time? Generally, we adopt the philosophy that “stuff happens.” You can’t always predict when certain events are going to come up. Mom might have to go out of town during her time, or Junior might have a sleepover or a Boy Scout trip during Dad’s time. Those things just fall where they may, and over the long haul, it tends to come out pretty evenly, so parents just have to forget about the little squabbles over 30 minutes here or a night there.

Etiquette for mutual events on the other parent's parenting time

1. Ask the other parent for permission before attending an event in his or her home. Both parents should be welcome at all extracurricular events, and both parents should be able to stand the sight of the other parent at least for small amounts of time. However, if this ideal is not fully possible, it has to give way to the best interests of the child so that their time is not ruined by feuding adults who know better.

2. Understand that practices, games, and other events are available to both parents, regardless of whose parenting time it is. One way to quit fighting over every minute of parenting time is to remember that there are lots of “public” events in people’s lives that each parent can attend that don’t belong specifically to one parent or the other. If you don’t like seeing your spouse at your kids’ games, but there’s no reason to fear for your safety or that of your children, you need to get over your resentment and possessiveness and recognize that those events are for your children, not for you.

3. Respect conventions and don’t attend events just because you feel like it if it’s not typical. You may want to go to your child’s practices or piano lessons just to have more time seeing him or her. But you should do that only if other parents commonly do the same. A soccer game that everyone attends is one thing; a basketball practice that is normally closed to the public is quite another.

4. Schedule activities only on your parenting time unless you ask the other parent first. Each parent’s parenting time is theirs to do with what they choose. You cannot get the kids’ hopes up about an activity that straddles your parenting time and that of your ex, leaving it to your ex to be the “heavy” and tell the child that he or she can’t do the activity.

5. Talk to the other parenting time before you discuss a temporary change of parenting time with the kids. As in the previous example, the first two people to talk about a change of parenting time should be the parents. Once one parent has gotten the buyoff from the other parent to change a schedule, such as if Dad wants to take Junior to a baseball game during Mom’s parenting time, only then should you tell the children and ask whether they want to attend that activity. Exciting them about an activity that the other parent may ultimately veto is the wrong order in which to do such things.

College funding post-divorce

1. Do you have to pay child support for college? The better question is, “If you knew your ex would get nothing extra from you, would you want to contribute to your children’s education?” Yes, of course you would. Child support continues to age 21 if the child is enrolled in school with passing grades. If you don’t want to tell your kids you’re paying only because the state forces you, write a divorce agreement that pays more or for a longer time.

2. What do you do if you don’t know how much college is going to cost or what you will be able to afford when your children finally reach college age? It’s a moving target, to be sure, but when college costs more than most people paid for their homes, it’s not too early to start planning even when the child is an infant or not even born yet. One approach that works especially well is to figure out what you think you could afford today if you had a senior in high school heading off to college. You can then agree to share the cost (or a portion of the total) of the highest-cost state university in your state at the time your kids go to college. That way, you have some way to index your contribution to what you can afford, even while not being able to predict the future completely accurately.

3. Should college support replace child support or be in addition to child support? It really depends on the situation. If parents can afford to do both, that’s preferable. Kids need not only the expenses of the eight or nine months they’re away at school, but also a “home base” when they’re back for breaks and summer hiatus.

Treating your kids as gifts instead of as possessions

1. Parenting time belongs to the child. Adults have already received what society expects them to have—the skills to leave the nest and fly on their own. Your children have not yet received that, and the time they spend with each of you is designed to benefit them, not you. The decision to obliterate the family unity was yours, not theirs, so don’t make it worse by hoarding parenting time that isn’t meant for your advantage anyway.

2. Your children will not be able to acquire new parents. The deplorable way that some parents behave, some kids wish they could trade in their parents, but they’ll never be able to. Your kids do not belong to you.

3. It may be best for you to have less than 50% parenting time. Often, the highest quality parenting time is around 35% of the overnights. Don’t assume the quality of your relationship with your children will suffer because you have less than equal parenting time. Equal parenting time rarely works well. It is appropriate only for that limited number of parents who can get along swimmingly.

4. Don’t do anything that would come between them and the other parent. You’re not as slick and smooth as you think. If you dare to try to drive a wedge between your children and your ex, your kids will know you alienated them from the other parent, and your efforts will backfire on you. Put in your divorce agreement your commitments about how you will regard the other parent around the kids.

5. Never use the words “my kids” or “The kids need me/their dad/their mom more.” Men and women are not biologically better parents because of their anatomy. The kids belong to both of you but are neither of your property. Pledge in your divorce agreement not to use that terminology.

Supervised parenting time: Is it necessary?

1. Agree on the standards that would result in supervised parenting time. Supervised parenting time is an invasion of privacy. A supervisor must stand within feet of the parent and child, like a Secret Service agent. Supervised parenting time is a shield to protect the children, not a sword that a bitter spouse should use to dredge up past issues or invent new ones. Clearly spell out in your divorce agreement the reasons that would constitute a need for supervised parenting time.

2. Decide in advance how you would choose a supervisor of the parenting time with your children. A client of mine finally asked me to supervise parenting time because his ex-wife had nixed every other supervisor. Your divorce agreement should state, even if you don’t need a supervisor now, the education, age, and gender that would be acceptable. That way, if one spouse finds someone who meets those objective requirements, the other parent can’t say no.

3. Decide who would pay for supervised parenting time and how long it would last. Supervised parenting time can get expensive. When a supervisor is paid $40 to $100 per hour, there’s only a limited time that most parents can even afford to pay for the visits. Lest it become a means of squeezing one parent out of the children’s lives, you should have an exit strategy—as soon as X happens, supervised parenting time will end. Usually, supervised parenting time is paid for by the parent being supervised, but sometimes the fee is shared between both parents. Either way, you should specify it in your divorce agreement.

Parenting after divorce

1. Is there a required parenting class after divorce? All parents seeking a divorce in Oregon who have at least one minor child must take a three- or four-hour parenting class. If you have only adult children, or you have minor children but none of them are the product of your current marriage, the class is not required. Each county does their class differently. Some are a series of hour-long classes. Others are a one-time, half-day class. The fee is usually around $150, and whether you can attend with your ex or must attend on your own is up to each county to decide. While you don’t need to have completed the parenting class when you file for divorce, you do need your certificate of completion by the time you finalize your divorce.

2. How long does a parenting plan last? A parenting plan is indefinite unless you’ve put a fixed duration on it. If you don’t provide in your agreement how you will revise the plan, it will remain in effect even after its provisions don’t seem effective. A parenting plan tends to be revised about half as often as you buy new clothes for your kids—frequently for younger children and less often for older children or teens. Your divorce agreement should specify the duration of the parenting plan.

3. How do you change your parenting plan? You can either agree privately to modify your parenting plan by mutual agreement, or you can, as a last resort, go to court for a modification. Whoever helped facilitate your divorce, whether a lawyer or a mediator, can also assist you in changing your parenting plan. Your divorce agreement should specify how you will go about changing your plan and the steps you will undertake as you do.

4. How do you know what will work before you try it? Should you involve your kids in forming your parenting plan? By involving your kids, and specifying in your divorce agreement how you have, you will anticipate any red flags they may raise that will hinder the parenting plan or its implementation in the future.

Mutual support and respect as divorced parents

1. Do not compare the children to the other parent. If something is wrong, it’s wrong because it’s wrong, not because the other parent does it. Saying “you’re just like your mom” or “you’re just like your dad” will harm your relationship with your children more than it will harm the other parent. Discuss in your written divorce agreement how you will speak about the children vis-à-vis the other parent, to avoid expressing the unavoidable negative reminders that emerge.

2. Do not complain to the children about the divorce. People should complain to two kinds of people—people who can change the situation and people who are part of their support system. Your kids are neither. They didn’t ask for this situation, and they can’t change it. Neither should they be part of your support system. That duty falls to some other adult or a group of adults, but not to children who are already working through their own trauma based on the same event.

3. Do not discuss your crimped budget with the children. Do your best to afford everything that benefited the children in the past, but if you can’t, don’t blame the divorce or the other parent for your inability to buy what you once did. Such behavior will, ironically, alienate you from the children more than the other parent. Pledge in your divorce agreement not to discuss monetary issues with the children.

4. Do not let others malign your ex, even outside the kids’ presence. You broke a promise to your ex to stay with him or her for life. Now, don’t make it worse by breaking a promise to your children to love them for life as well. Craft a detailed pledge of respect in your divorce agreement, so that both of you understand your commitments to uphold the reputation of the other parent.

Nesting--one parenting approach after divorce

1. What is nesting? Nesting is an arrangement where parents keep the family home and acquire a smaller residence for each to live in while the other is having parenting time. Nesting rarely works well, because of all the cooperation needed for it to function, but when it does work, it works exceptionally well.

2. What are the advantages of nesting?

a. Cost savings. You don’t need to full-size homes appointed for the children.
b. Stability. The kids don’t have to move or transition between two homes.
c. Unity. The kids see their parents functioning as a cohesive parenting unit, even while no longer spouses.

3. What are the disadvantages of nesting?
a. Continued ties of one parent to the other parent. The purpose of divorce is to cut ties, not create new ones.
b. Confusion. If both parents live in the house, even if not at the same time, the kids may not grasp that the parents are actually divorced.
c. Roommate issues. Who’s using all the hot water or eating the food that one parent bought at one house or the other will be issues, believe it or not.

4. What are the alternatives to nesting?
a. An equal parenting schedule. If the goal is to involve the children substantially with both parents, there are other ways to do it than by sharing a residence.
b. Each parent planning his or her work schedule around the kids’ schedules. That way, you get the benefit of nesting—access to the kids when they and you are most available—without the hassles of sharing a dwelling with your ex.

Parenting schedules in divorce

1. An evenly divided schedule with alternating weeks. This schedule provides continuity within each week. It also gives each parent some parenting time on each day of the week so that one is not always doing weekdays or weekends. You can also add a midweek evening (non-overnight) with the other parent so you don’t have to go seven whole days without the kids and one parent seeing each other.

2. Every other weekend and an evening or two (non-overnight) during the week. The advantage of this schedule is that there is never more than a few days between either parent’s parenting time. The disadvantages are the possibility of disruption by having evening events during the week and the fact that this schedule is still slanted toward one parent or the other.

3. An evenly divided schedule with three days each and an alternating seventh day of the week. This is similar to the every-other-weekend setup with one or two evenings, but it provides for equal parenting time. The disadvantage is that it still bisects the school week and the weekend.

4. Time for each parent alone by themselves each month. Parents aren’t expected to be superheroes. Take care of yourselves—and spell out in your divorce agreement how you will—so that both of you will be well-rested. That way, you can bring your children your best selves.

5. Time for each parent with each child alone each month. When the family unit makes wholesale changes, it’s still important to realize that the group is made up of individuals. You can note as part of your parenting time schedule what each of those individual parenting times will be.

Challenges of men and divorce

1. Coping with less money. Unless the husband is going to give the wife every penny he earns, which isn’t possible, both spouses are going to have to live with less. It’s nothing personal to either gender. Most people are financially stable after divorce. Moreover, most divorce agreements specify that spousal support will decrease over time, so a financial pinch is likely to be only temporary.

2. Coping with less parenting time. Most men’s parenting time does not decrease after a divorce. Parenting time schedules try to replicate the routine that the kids had prior to the divorce. Even if a dad has less parenting time than the mom, it’s likely because the dad didn’t share caretaking responsibilities equally with the mother before the divorce. Parenting time schedules are never set in stone forever. They can always change one way or the other of the best interests of the child require it.

3. Having to learn all functions as a single parent. If Dad is part of the routine on more than just the weekend, he has to learn how to do all the things that Mom used to do all by herself. But that shouldn’t be held against Dad any more than Mom’s lack of work experience outside the home would be held against her. The divorce agreement should include an affirmation by both parents of their readiness to take on all relevant child-related tasks.

4. Expressing their emotions in divorce. Men traditionally have a harder time expressing their feelings. For that reason, both parents should state the rationale for their divorce-related decisions in the divorce agreement. That way, Dad won’t agree to something he may regret later.

Medical issues for kids and parents during and after divorce

1. Does one parent have to provide health insurance to the other? State law provides for the constitution of health insurance for a period after the divorce. Sometimes, people delay a divorce just so that both parents can maintain health insurance. Either way, your divorce agreement should specify how each family member will receive health insurance and who will pay the premiums.

2. Does the health of a parent impact child custody? If your child has a medical condition, your divorce agreement should affirm that both parents are equally capable of providing care. If that statement isn’t presently true, you need to give each parent those skills before finalizing your divorce agreement.

3. How are unreimbursed medical expenses handled during a divorce? Three possibilities. One parent of the other can pay all the expenses. Both parents can share the expenses equally. Both parents can share the expenses in proportion to their income.

4. Does the law require parents to have health insurance for their children? No, but it should. The Oregon Health Plan is available for people who truly cannot afford other coverage. Usually, the non-custodial parent Is the one who provides and pays for that coverage.

Special concerns for GLBT and non-traditional relationships

1. Is it easier to be married than to be unmarried? Having a marriage gives you a legal framework that affords your kids predictability during and after the marriage. You leave more to chance in an unmarried relationship. That means if you’re ending an unmarried relationship, you need to do more of the legwork on your own to include things in the divorce agreement that you want to protect yourself because the existing framework isn’t detailed enough.

2. What do we have to remember about ending a non-traditional relationships? You can agree by contract to many, if not all, of the same things that married people agree to. Your contract needs to be detailed because not as much is assumed by default in non-traditional relationships.

3. How is custody shared in gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender relationships? Child custody can be agreed in non-traditional relationships just as in traditional relationships. Child custody depends on the best interests of the child, which is one of the ways that the court system actually does right by non-traditional families, among many ways that it does not.

Domestic Violence and divorce

1. How can you leave a marriage if you’re being abused? The court system provides for restraining orders, temporary support, and a way to leave your home with your kids and your possessions. You don’t have to stay simply because you think if you don’t, your spouse will ruin you financially.

2. Does domestic violence affect child support and spousal support? The child support and spousal support will not increase to punish the abuser or reward the victim for putting up with it. However, if the abuse has caused greater expenses, such as therapy or security, those costs can be considered. Also, child support may go up for the victim if the abuser’s parenting time goes down because of a threat to the best interests of the child.

3. Is it better to tough it out or to get out of an abusive relationship? No. Your divorce agreement can specify where exchanges of parenting time can take place and who will supervise them. Keeping the kids safe and removed from their parents’ conflicts is the top priority.

4. Will my ex be able to come to my home for parenting time exchanges? Yes, unless you specify otherwise. The kids can also be dropped off in an alternate location or picked up from your home when you aren’t there, if it’s documented in the divorce agreement. On the other hand, just not liking the sight of your ex isn’t a good enough reason, without more, to change the parenting time pickup location.

Step-parenting for success

1. Have a clear distinction between parents and stepparents. The biggest fear that kids of divorce have is that they’ll get a stepparent at all, particularly one who will boss them around. Describe in your divorce agreement when, if ever, new partners will enter the picture and the role they’ll have when they do.
2. Do not do activities, at least in the first year of the relationship or after the divorce, that would be the regular role of the biological parent of that gender. You will cause conflict with your ex if you allow the new boyfriend or girlfriend (whom the ex and maybe also the kids already see as an interloper) to participate in the traditional rites of passage—teaching a boy to shave, buying a girl her first feminine products, or chaperoning a school dance.
3. Discuss and agree on who will pay which expenses. Child support has changed its dynamic since the days when every other weekend was the only known parenting plan. Now, it’s necessary to specify which expenses will be paid by each parent, in your divorce agreement.
4. Wait at least two years before remarrying or living together. Complicating the family’s life with either transitions or jealousy or both is too much to ask your kids to manage just because you fear being alone. You can mandate a waiting period in your divorce agreement if you both agree.
5. Understand that a new partner has a very good chance of being seen as an interloper. If you want your new relationship to work, you need to view it as a long-term arrangement, not a short-term one. Waiting a year will help you to be happy for the next 40 years. If you don’t think your kids can influence your new marriage, you’re daring them to torpedo it.

Power struggles in divorce

1. The man does not control the finances. Every penny that you as Husband and Wife equally contributed to earning during the marriage belongs to both of you. If you are the lower-earning spouse, you have a right to get on your feet and have temporary support while you’re divorcing, and possibly ongoing support afterwards.
2. The woman does not control the kids. Parents are equal parents even though women have the uterus and even though many people delegate home responsibilities to the wife. There is nothing in the law that says that mothers are preferred for child custody because they’re women. Have as equal parenting time or contact with the children as your children’s ages and needs will allow. You are teaching your children how to be parents by your example. Your divorce agreement should pledge equality within practical limits so that the kids don’t learn that, if they ever divorce, one parent will be marginalized while the other assumes the primary caretaking role.
3. The fact that one parent refuses to leave does not have to mean that he or she will keep the house. You can petition a court to order one party to leave during the separation. It would be a terrible policy to reward an abusive or difficult person with the family home just for winning a game of chicken.
4. You do not have to negotiate your divorce by yourself or in the same room as your ex. Even a mediated divorce doesn’t have to take place without lawyers. And if you want to negotiate on your own but you can’t stand the sight of your spouse, you can negotiate in separate rooms or even on completely different meeting days.
5. One person’s personality, charm, or cunning will not necessarily work to that person’s advantage or disadvantage. A lawyer, judge or mediator has the job of seeing these cases every single day. That professional will see through the charades and it will either backfire on that spouse or will have no effect either way.

Preparing for divorce

1. Take the county’s required parenting class. The county parenting class in most Oregon counties—and other states as well—is so basic and boneheaded that it pretty much explains the reason we have warnings on hairdryers about not using them in the shower. It’s silly, but it’s a requirement, and you can go with or without your ex as long as each of you completes the course at some point before finalizing your divorce. The classes are given either in hour-long sessions weekly for four weeks or once on a Saturday for a half-day session.
2. Investigate your options. You probably didn’t get married on a week’s notice, and you shouldn’t get divorced on a whim, either. These decisions are going to last a lifetime, so they shouldn’t be entered into haphazardly. Include not only your decisions, but also the underlying rationale for them, in your divorce agreement.
3. Retain a lawyer only as a last resort. Getting a divorce doesn’t mean getting your brain removed. All but a few people can think for themselves. Get information from a lawyer, but don’t give up your concern for civility or your power to decide for yourself.
4. Collect documentation so that you know assets and debts. If you don’t collect them for yourselves, a lawyer will have to get the documents for you, so keep it simple and inexpensive. Anything a lawyer can obtain, you can get on your own.
5. Consider how you will talk to your kids. Deliver the news with your spouse and without blaming each other. Even the best parents cannot always predict how their children will respond.

Avoiding parentification: letting kids be kids after divorce

1) Your children do not have to take care of you when you are sad or lonely. Just because you haven’t been without your kids for days at a time before, they haven’t been without their other parent for days or weeks at a time either, and that ought to be your primary concern, instead of your own emotions. Don’t hold them responsible.

2) Set limits and consistent standards—your job is not to be your children’s friends. Unless you’d like your children to be raised by their peers, you surely understand the difference between parenting and friendship. Articulate those standards in a written divorce agreement.

3) Do not give an older child parental authority over a younger one. Children have two parents. You’ve changed your family dynamic enough already without asking your children what they think. Do not make them adjust to even more of a jolt. If you blur the parental lines with a child, your ex may feel free to blur them with a new partner. Limit in your divorce agreement who will and will not be allowed to make parental-style decisions on behalf of the kids.

4) Do not give your children a disproportionate household responsibility, even if you feel overwhelmed. Parents are the cause of a divorce, even if only one person asked for it or got the ball rolling. Parents are responsible for solving the problem with no collaboration with the children. Delineate in the divorce agreement what the household responsibilities will be, so you don’t turn your kids into servants just because you’re pressed for time.

5) It is not your kids’ job to worry about how you are doing or feeling in their absence. Unconditional love is not a two-way street. You made this bed, and now you must lie in it—without your kids’ help. Pledging in your divorce agreement what you will and won’t do when your emotions get the best of you will go a long way.

Budgeting after divorce

1. You must remember, above all, that some belt-tightening will need to take place regardless of the circumstances. Getting married is voluntary and staying married is voluntary. Now is not the time to pout about how you didn’t want the divorce, or how the other spouse deserves what he or she has coming. You can’t support two households at the same level with the same income that you supported one. Cut your budgets to a level that meets both parents’ needs for at least the first two years post-divorce, and then incorporate that budget into your divorce agreement.

2. Make sure that you negotiate child support figures with your spouse rather than using the ones supplied by the online calculator for the state. Whether you are a cashier or an NBA star, the child support calculator rarely, if ever, supplies a lifestyle comparable to what a child is used to, at any income level. Use a needs-based approach, budgeting your actual expenses, and choose those as the binding numbers.

3. It’s usually better to pay off your debts with the equity in your home when you sell it after divorce. Do you really want to wonder whether your spouse paid off the debt that you both entered into that he or she agreed to pay when you divorced? When trust is in short supply, the best approach is to pay off all debts before the divorce if you could potentially be pursued later for the other spouse’s non-payment.

4. If you must cut anything superfluous from your budget, start with the things that have the least effect on the children. Guitar lessons may seem extravagant, but if you had no trouble affording them before, pledge in your divorce agreement to continue those kid activities, and detail who will pay what shares.
5. Don’t forget to include the employment bonus if either or both parents receive one. Even though one person’s name is on the bonus check, that belongs to both parents just as it would if it were income. Be sure it is factored in as income everywhere in your divorce agreement.

Property division

1. Does it matter who came into the marriage with what? You always take out of the marriage a 50-50 split of what you accumulated during the marriage, unless you have an agreement otherwise. What you accumulated before the marriage belongs to you if you have a short-term marriage of less than five years, and it is split 50-50 if you have a long-term marriage of ten years or more. Between five and ten years, it can go either way.

2. Does everything have to be split fifty-fifty? You can agree to wear green socks every Thursday if you put it in writing and sign it. The law won’t interfere with how you divide your property if you’re both sane and not threatening each other. An unequal property division can compensate for other considerations. You can write an agreement that gives one person less property in exchange for more support, or vice-versa. Some people split property unequally so that one can afford to pay or receive more or less child support or spousal support or to achieve some other mutually beneficial purpose.

3. How do we value our possessions? For your household goods, you can either use a replacement value or a garage-sale value, but whatever method you use, use the same for everything. Note in your divorce agreement what valuation method you used.

4. Do we have to itemize every household good we own? Nobody cares who came into the marriage with the toaster or the hairdryer. Splitting what you want and then saying Husband will keep what he now possesses and Wife will keep what she now possesses is good enough. Most divorce agreements state similar language.

Divorce or legal separation?

1. What is the difference between divorce and legal separation? Legal separation often doesn’t solve a client’s problems and is usually just “marriage for convenience.” Legal separation merely relieves you of your obligation to live together as husband and wife. If you want to stay married for a while for a financial benefit, a religious reason, or to preserve health insurance, legal separation may make sense. Otherwise, divorce is probably where you’re headed if reconciliation isn’t an option.
2. What if we do not include an asset or debt in our division of property? If you’re just forgetful or you have an oversight, the agreement can be reopened to negotiate the forgotten item. If you are thinking about committing fraud, save your time because it will be held against you if you divorce.
3. Does the spouse who wants the divorce have to pay the filing fees? You won’t be denied a divorce because of an inability to pay, and you don’t have to worry that your spouse will get out of paying by saying he or she doesn’t want the divorce. Someone will have to advance the fees, but it’ll be shared equally after the divorce.
4. What if your spouse uses a more expensive lawyer than you do, dipping into marital funds to pay for the fees? All your funds since separation will be accounted for. You should get the lawyer you think will meet your needs, but you shouldn’t base your decision to conserve or splurge on what your ex is doing.

Retirement plans and divorce

1. Should we cash in some of our retirement funds to pay each other off in a divorce? Not if you can help it. You don’t want to pay a penalty and taxes on funds just because you need to equalize a property division. Do it with a different asset or account, if you can. If you can’t, then transfer some of the retirement funds into a new retirement account at the same company for the other spouse, which will happen tax-free and penalty-free.

2. What do people need to know about Social Security after divorce? If you are married for more than 10 years and then divorced, you can get your spouse’s same Social Security benefit without diminishing what the spouse also gets. Sometimes people who are close to ten years of marriage deliberately delay their divorce just to get past the ten-year mark.

3. What should people remember about the taxes on retirement accounts? Even if you retired tomorrow, if you contributed to your retirement accounts with pretax money, you will owe tax when you withdraw it, so the spendable cash you have is not equal to the balance on the monthly statement. When you’re splitting retirement account money 50/50, there’s no issue, as the taxes will affect each of you equally. The problem arises when the split is unequal. Then, in fairness, you have to figure out what the shares would net you if you retired today.

4. Is it wise to raise more money in our monthly budget by scaling back our retirement contributions? You have to do what you have to do, but I’d scale back retirement as a last resort. You need to think both short-term and long-term for your divorce agreement to have lasting effect.

5. Are the funds that my spouse or I accumulated before we met and married subject to division in our divorce? If your marriage is over ten years, then yes, for sure. If not, then it may or may not be, depending on other factors. The standard in Oregon is just and proper division of property, otherwise known as equitable distribution. Normally, premarital assets aren’t touched in shorter-term marriages, but they can be tapped if that’s what it takes for both spouses to be self-sufficient after the divorce.

Taxes and divorce

No. That’s why people get married at the end of the year sometimes—because the IRS considers your marital status to be whatever it was on December 31 of the tax year.

2) Who gets to claim the children as dependents? This is a terrible rule, but it is the rule—the parent with more than 50% parenting time gets all the dependency exemptions. It’s one more example of how the tax code doesn’t even make sense and also marginalizes the primary income earner.

3) What do people need to know about capital gains taxes? Capital gains taxes hang around the neck of many assets, so the asset is worth less than the selling price or the balance, because the taxes have yet to come out. You have to consider capital gains when you divorce.

4) What if we’re audited later for a past tax return? You will both be responsible for any refund or liability, so don’t assume that you can shove it under the rug, be divorced, and that’s all the IRS can do.

5) Who will pay the taxes on the property that is retained after the divorce? Whoever keeps the property will pay its taxes, so consider the tax burden when you figure out who is getting what.

Child support questions answered

1. How is child support figured? Extremely poorly! Child support figures are based on a complex formula that is outdated and out of touch. I have never found anyone able to live even close to equally on the figures that the child support calculator provides, without paying more—often far more—than the guidelines require. The guidelines are just that—a minimum recommendation. Pay what your kids need, not just what the law makes you cough up.

2. Is it true that child support will go down if parenting time goes up? Even though the check to or from your ex may change, the amount of money you spend on your kids usually goes up—way up—with every extra day they are with you. The way to get off the cheapest on taking care of your kids is to have zero parenting time and pay whatever the calculator says.

3. What the ways you can pay child support? Married people don’t pay child support; they just earn money and pay the expenses that come in. Paying child support in the least disruptive way to your children is the best option. You can pay by check or direct deposit. If you’re behind on payments or you just want not to bother with checks and deposits, you can use automatic withdrawal through the state’s office of child support enforcement.

4. What if you feel your child support is too low? The bottom 25 percent of parents are usually better at deciding their affairs for themselves than the top 25 percent of judges. What you come up with on your own and put in your own divorce agreement is almost always a better fit for your children than what a court would or could order.

5. Are you stuck with a given child support figure for life? What do you do if your circumstances change? Expenses and income go up and down for married people, and divorced people are no different except in how selfish and vindictive they sometimes are. Child support can be modified if circumstances change in the lives of a parent or one or more of the children. If you want to refine what those eligible circumstances are, you may do so by contract in your divorce agreement.

Spousal support

1. If one spouse is better educated or has an established career, can the other receive spousal support to get prepared for a stable foundation? Marriage is a partnership, and even when it ends, parenting is still a partnership. Putting both parents on an equal footing helps the children. Transitional spousal support enables a spouse to get an education or start himself or herself in a career, and the reasons for including it in your divorce agreement should be spelled out in that document.
2. What if one spouse has contributed to the education of the other spouse, but the divorce happens before the other spouse has had a chance to earn the income that both spouses were eventually counting on? You have to give the other spouse the benefit of his or her bargain, especially if you already have yours. You can qualify for compensatory spousal support if you made an investment in your spouse’s betterment and couldn’t stick around long enough to see it come to fruition.
3. Is it true that spousal support is given for half the length of the marriage? Regardless of what is discussed by the Supreme Court of Soccer Moms or the High Tribunal of Bitter Dads, there is nothing in the law that mandates a particular formula for the length of spousal support. Nonetheless, it tends to shake out to about half the duration of the marriage.
4. Does the health of either spouse have any bearing on spousal support awards? Occasionally, the law actually gets it right. The child-centered answer and the law-centered answer agree. Yes, the law supports taking better financial care of your children’s parent if that parent is ill.
5. What are the tax implications of spousal support? Spousal support is taxable to the receiver and tax-deductible to the payer. It may make sense for child support or spousal support to shift to alter the tax burden for both spouses.

Modifying child support and spousal support

1) Does it matter for purposes of child support and spousal support whether one of us remarries or has more children? The child-centered answer is “Take care of the family you have before you go make another one.” The law-based answer is “Yes, your child support can go down if you have a change of circumstance.” It’s hard to make the case that you’ve loved your children unconditionally if as soon as you could, you went out and made a new family and used that family to justify paying your first family less.

2) What if one of us has a job change or job loss? Voluntarily deciding to quit your job or to go from being a surgeon to being a newspaper delivery person is manipulative, fraudulent, and harmful to your children. Legitimate job changes are quite another story, and they can qualify as a change of circumstance that would cause child support or spousal support to be modified.

3) Is cohabitation considered the same way as remarriage for purposes of child support and spousal support? Don’t be greedy. If the purpose of spousal support is to contribute to your standard of living and you now have a new partner who is doing so, don’t try to live better than you’re entitled to. But here’s nothing in the law that mandates the end of child support or spousal support upon cohabitation or remarriage.

4) Does having a tenant count as cohabitation? If you’re just trying to shack up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, collect a dollar a month from him or her as token rent, and slide under the spousal support radar, think again. Having a tenant who can share the rent is a good idea if you need help with the expenses, but you have to be sure that he or she is a solid citizen and a good financial risk.

5) What happens when we have more than one child and one child stops receiving child support? The child-centered answer is to sit down and recalculate the budget for the newly-constituted family. The law-centered answer is to go back to the child support calculator and plug in numbers. The wrong answer is simply to reduce the child support by a half or a third or however many children you have left in the home.

Bankruptcy and divorce

1) Will your credit be affected if your ex files for bankruptcy later? Not unless you are discharging a joint debt. Your ex cannot add you to a bankruptcy petition without your knowledge and consent.
2) What can you do if you’re afraid your credit may be affected by your spouse’s default on a debt at some point in the future? If you can’t trust your spouse to preserve your family, you can’t trust him or her to protect your credit. When in doubt, pay a debt yourself and compensate with a corresponding asset.
3) Is there anything you can do to enhance your protection from being disadvantaged if your spouse files for bankruptcy? You can always give yourself more protection in your divorce agreement than the law would give you on its own. Child support and spousal support are not dischargeable in bankruptcy anyway, but reinforcing in your divorce agreement how you will manage other debts is a good idea.
4) If both spouses are listed on a debt and they agree that one spouse will pay it, but that spouse later files for bankruptcy, how is the other spouse affected? You’re still on the hook, so the best thing to do is for the more financially responsible parent to assume all the debt and have it offset by equal amounts of assets so that the slacker parent doesn’t default.
5) Are child support and spousal support dischargeable in bankruptcy? No, and I wish parents didn’t have to ask that. It would be nice if parents trusted each other not to harm their family financially. But just because they’re not dischargeable, that doesn’t mean they’re easy to collect if there’s no money.

Making divorce a positive experience

1) Recognize that you can always be grateful to the other spouse for your kids. Even on the worst day of your marriage, you have precious children who would not be in your life but for the efforts of your soon-to-be ex. Temper your demonizing of your ex with a self-reminder that that person gave you many gifts along with the present grief. It might even be a good exercise to put that expression of gratitude in your divorce agreement.

2) Make a list of your concerns that you would like implemented in the agreement. For divorce to be smooth in the long term, both parents need to keep control of the process and bring their concerns to light. Filling out a bunch of forms and letting a lawyer treat you like a cookie-cutter case will only frustrate you.

3) Make your budgets from a needs-based perspective instead of a law-based perspective. Budgeting after divorce ought to be done just like budgeting during marriage. What do we need? What do we want? What can we afford? Seeking legal minimums and maximums will turn you against each other and away from your common purpose of caring for the children. Your detailed budget should be part of the agreement.

Reentering the workforce after divorce

1) Help each other with the child care when the other is looking for work. Divorce ends a few of the things you did when you were married, but it doesn’t have to end all of them, especially the ones that benefit the kids. Step up and be the first option, even writing it into the divorce agreement as needed, to be there when the other parent needs child care.

2) Build a safe-harbor provision into your spousal support. Shyster lawyers will tell unemployed people not to get a job until after the divorce to raise the spousal support payments they will receive. The better thing to do is to give people an incentive to work by not taking away every dollar of their spousal support if they do. A safe-harbor provision is something that reduces spousal support by a given amount for every dollar a spouse earns above X amount, so that if the receiving spouse is self-sufficient without the other spouse’s contribution, spousal support can be reduced or eliminated.

3) Search for jobs in your field and pay grade, but be open to all. If you have been searching for a job in your field and you can’t find one after a certain period of time—surely a year but maybe less—you need to find any lawful job you can, even if you find it annoying.

4) Give parenting time to the other parent if you can’t use yours. It makes no sense to have another person raising your children, possibly even paid to do so, if the other parent is readily available. Put this provision in writing if you need to.

5) Agree on whether a third party will provide after-school care to your kids and if so, who. Again, if a parent is available, that’s often the best choice. If not, you should agree in writing on the care provider, his or her location, and who will pay the fees or how they will be shared.

Blending a family without making a mess

1) Should my current children take the surname of my new spouse for consistency in our blended family? Consistency for whom? Even if you have decided you have no connection to your ex or allegiance to him or her, you cannot expect your children to toss him or her out like yesterday’s garbage. You have to give your children an identity with their original family. I vote “no.”

2) How does a stepparent affect the parenting time of either parent? Unless the stepparent is a threat to the safety of the children, the presence of a stepparent doesn’t change the parenting time schedule at all, unless you both choose to.

3) Can a third party who hasn’t conceived or adopted a child have any visitation rights? The way we push away some people who enrich our kids’ lives because of our own arrogance and insecurity, while the law turns a blind eye, is shameful. Divorcing people need to love their kids more than they hate their in-laws. Preserve your kids’ relationships with their family even when those folks aren’t your family anymore.

4) Does a parent have any recourse if the new spouse does objectionable things? You can write a divorce agreement as long as the Encyclopedia Britannica if you want. Anything that you’re reasonably concerned about can be in a divorce agreement and should apply equally to both parents. If the questionable parent knows that restrictions aren’t specifically targeting him or her, he or she will usually comply with them.

Blending a family without making a mess

1) Should my current children take the surname of my new spouse for consistency in our blended family? Consistency for whom? Even if you have decided you have no connection to your ex or allegiance to him or her, you cannot expect your children to toss him or her out like yesterday’s garbage. You have to give your children an identity with their original family. I vote “no.”

2) How does a stepparent affect the parenting time of either parent? Unless the stepparent is a threat to the safety of the children, the presence of a stepparent doesn’t change the parenting time schedule at all, unless you both choose to.

3) Can a third party who hasn’t conceived or adopted a child have any visitation rights? The way we push away some people who enrich our kids’ lives because of our own arrogance and insecurity, while the law turns a blind eye, is shameful. Divorcing people need to love their kids more than they hate their in-laws. Preserve your kids’ relationships with their family even when those folks aren’t your family anymore.

4) Does a parent have any recourse if the new spouse does objectionable things? You can write a divorce agreement as long as the Encyclopedia Britannica if you want. Anything that you’re reasonably concerned about can be in a divorce agreement and should apply equally to both parents. If the questionable parent knows that restrictions aren’t specifically targeting him or her, he or she will usually comply with them.

Future families

1) How long should a person wait after a divorce before engaging in a new relationship? Parenting classes say at least a year or two provides the proper grieving period and doesn’t send a message to kids that their family is easily discarded. Whatever period you agree to, put it in your agreement so impulse or jealousy doesn’t blind you to your kids’ needs.

2) At what point in a new relationship should the children be introduced to a new partner? I find that at least three months of dating should happen before the kids are introduced to a new partner, so that there isn’t a revolving door of new boyfriends or girlfriends that they have to adjust to and then be abandoned by. Again, whatever you choose, put it in writing.

3) Can you prevent your ex-spouse from remarrying? Marriage is a fundamental right, so you can’t regulate it. However, if the marriage impacts the children negatively and makes the other parent less fit as a caregiver, child custody can be revisited. Either way, you can limit the right to remarry by a contract that both of you sign, and you need to specify what will happen if that written agreement is violated.

4) What do parents need to remember as they contemplate future spouses and possibly more children? Your current children will never be able to go out and solicit a new family. They are stuck with the two parents they have and whatever siblings they may have. Your choice is making you able to reinvent your life; your children do not have that choice, even if they’re just as unhappy as you are.

5) Will your child support change if you have more children or a new spouse? What happens if you support the existing children of your new spouse? Stepparents don’t have a duty to support stepchildren, in general. Child support will change if the family dynamic changes, however. The number of other dependents you have, and your other sources of income, are both relevant in determining child support. However, be mindful of your duties to family #1 before forming and funding family #2.

Keeping divorce civil when it’s inevitable

1) File a co-petition for dissolution of marriage rather than an individual petition. Why send a sheriff out to the house or to your spouse’s work, alarming the kids or the co-workers and driving up your spouse’s blood pressure, just to bring papers for something you both already know about? A co-petition is friendlier, but it makes both of you show up at the courthouse together to file.

2) Use mediation rather than full-fledged lawyers. If a lawyer settles a family law case, his fee source dries up. Many lawyers encourage people to be competitive and nasty, giving the minimum and taking the maximum. That’s no way to end a marriage. That’s a way to end a family. Mediation is nicer, quicker, and cheaper.

3) Check your emotions at the door when you negotiate with your spouse. We get it. You don’t like each other. That’s why you’re getting a divorce. Human concerns matter greatly, and they definitely have a place, but just venting when you’re trying to talk about concrete divorce issues is pointless. At a certain point, the emotions have gotten more than their due and you have to talk facts.

4) Fight somewhere else besides your home, if you must fight at all. With children, especially older kids, you don’t know when your parenting time begins and ends, so they may just show up at the house, even when you least expect them. Making it harder to fight by having to go somewhere else is an added benefit of picking another location. That location, once you’ve picked it, needs to be in your divorce agreement.

5) Recognize that anyone can get a divorce, and even if you don’t want to divorce, there’s nothing you can do to stop it if the other spouse is determined to go ahead. It takes two people to get into a marriage and one to get out. With no-fault divorce, there is little, if anything, that you can do to prevent your spouse from divorcing you. Don’t stall the inevitable.

Where to live after divorce

1) What happens if one parent wants to move far away? If you want to move more than 30 miles from the other parent, as a child-centered parent you need to have a darn good reason. The sad reality is that a judge is probably going to allow the move even if it’s farther—or even much farther—than 30 miles. That’s what a child-centered divorce agreement is often far more family-friendly than any litigated order.

2) Is the standard radius usually adequate? After your parents had just broken up the family, crimped the family’s finances, and put you on a parenting schedule that kept you away from one parent or the other for days at a time, would you want to be told that in addition to all that, you had to live 60 miles away? Stay in the metropolitan area where you live, if possible, and spell out that commitment in your divorce agreement.

3) Why is it important not to move far away? You are teaching your children what’s OK and what’s not, by your own example. If it’s OK for Mom to move away with the children, it sets Mom up as the superior parent and Dad doesn’t matter. If it’s OK for Dad to take off for a new city 300 miles away, Dad is being permitted to abandon the family. Both are wrong. Be very specific in your divorce agreement.

4) Is there such a thing as too close? Being within walking distance of your children is one thing, but living down the street so that the kids don’t even grasp or process the finality of the divorce is quite another and it permits too many boundary-crossings. Craft a radius in your divorce agreement that accomplishes the best of both worlds.

What happens if one parent wants to move far away?

If you want to move more than 30 miles from the other parent, as a child-centered parent you need to have a darn good reason. The sad reality is that a judge is probably going to allow the move even if it’s farther—or even much farther—than 30 miles. That’s what a child-centered divorce agreement is often far more family-friendly than any litigated order.

Are there limitations on residential moves by a parent?

Can and should are different words—the law will let you move wherever you want, but should you? That’s another story that demands a child-centered answer. The law is simply that if you move more than 60 miles further distant from the other parent, you give 30 days’ notice to the other parent, but you can still move. However, you can limit the radius by contract in your divorce agreement.

Communicating with your ex when you know you’re divorcing

1) Be polite to each other, even out of earshot of the children. Even first-graders know how to be polite to and about people they don’t like. Civility is required not only when someone is around to police your bad behavior or be damaged by it. If necessary, you can specify in your divorce agreement what that means.

2) Avoid pressing your ex’s hot buttons. You know where those buttons are because you likely installed them. Baiting your spouse will more effectively make you look petty than it will make your spouse look bad.

3) Fight outside the presence of the kids. By moving to an alternate location to fight, if you must fight at all, you do two things: (1) You protect the children from your venom. (2) You make it less convenient to fight, so you do it only when it’s worth the trip. Specify in your divorce agreement where the alternate location will be.

4) Don’t pull sudden moves such as changing locks or closing bank accounts without notice. If you want to be harmonious instead of just powerful, give your spouse notice of what you want to do and why you want to do it, instead of just throwing your weight around. Depending on the point when you do it, it may even be prohibited by law.

5) Set aside a 15-minute window each day to discuss issues. Unless your kid’s hair is on fire or there’s some other immediate threat to life and limb, whatever has your shorts in a wad can probably wait 24 hours. By setting aside only a limited window each day, you force yourself to decide whether something is actually worth each other’s time to argue over. Put in your divorce agreement what that window of time will be.

Divorce when you're unemployed

What if one parent earns all the money and the other parent is unemployed and takes care of the home? The court system cares some—but not enough—about preparing unemployed people for separation and divorce, but it’s nothing compared to what you can work out on your own. The court will do its best to order support that leaves both of you financially self-sufficient, not necessarily with an equal standard of living. However, when you file for divorce, you will be provided temporary support if you can’t earn it on your own.

How long does it take to get a divorce?

When people say that divorce takes years, they are referring to a long, drawn-out legal battle. The time from filing to finalization can actually take under a month, often even less. There is a 90-day waiting period, but it is often waived for cause or if you have a written agreement. You can be divorced in as little as a week.

Does it matter where you file for divorce?

To discourage people from what we call “forum shopping,” you must file in the county where you have resided, and you must be a resident of Oregon for at least the past six months. Some counties are more liberal or conservative, but that’s a decisions you make before you decide where to live, not where you’ll divorce.

Is divorce one-sided?

How is it fair that one spouse can ask for a divorce, keep the house, keep the kids, and get child support and spousal support? It’s not fair, but it’s the system we live in. Write your Congressman. The divorce laws in the country are not as slanted as they appear. The focus is on self-sufficiency, not vengeance. People who don’t like this system can encourage a two-income family or share parenting responsibility equally from the start. Furthermore, the decisions you reach on your own will likely be far more accommodating than anything a judge would order.

Doesn’t no-fault divorce mean that people are divorcing frivolously?

Yes, but having people need to make up false accusations to get out of a marriage is worse than just letting people out when they want out. We also continue to allow people to marry frivolously. That hasn’t changed.

Is divorce always a negative experience?

People make divorce a negative experience. As they say about guns, “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” A mediated divorce puts your kids above your desire for vengeance. Mediation is nicer, quicker, and cheaper than litigation, and it can often be completed within a week. By writing a detailed child-centered divorce agreement, you have the power to avoid the pitfalls you anticipate. You remain in control of the whole process.

How can you handle a divorce when you don’t want a conflict with your ex?

If you can negotiate on your own, mediation is a good option. If you can’t, mediation can still work as long as you have an advocate with you. Divorce doesn’t have to ruin your life or take forever.

How can you be good parents even after you’re not spouses?

You can write a child-centered divorce agreement, not an adult-centered one, and you can abide by it even when you don’t feel like it. You should also provide as much consistency as possible and encourage the kids to love both of you.

Parental alienation, Part 5

Do not encourage a lopsided parenting time schedule unless an independent party can confirm that it is in your children’s best interests. The assumption ought to be that the kids need as much time with each parent as is age-appropriate. Agree on who will help settle those issues if you dispute them. A psychologist, therapist, mediator, or even a mutual friend can help resolve those disagreements.

Parental alienation, Part 4

Do not use parenting time to threaten the children or the other parent. Parenting time belongs to the children. It is not a reward or a punishment either for them or for their parents. Unconditional love requires the children to get the same access to the parents whether the kids behave well or not, and whether you like the other parent or not.

Parental alienation, Part 3

Do not allow others in the children’s presence to speak negatively about either parent. Because my mother never spoke ill of my dad—even though I later figured out on my own that he richly deserved it—I never had to sort out whether my feelings were my own or were influenced by hers. Having a mouthpiece bash on your spouse is no more noble than doing it yourself.

Parental alienation, Part 2

Do not criticize the other parent in the children’s presence. If something is wrong, it’s wrong because it’s wrong, not because the other parent does it. Ironically, even if your ex really is a jerk, your kids will have a harder time coming to that conclusion the more you jam it down their throats.

Avoiding parental alienation, Part 1

Do not isolate your children from the other parent without just cause. Driving a wedge between your ex and your kids will backfire on you. Your divorce agreement should spell out carefully what each of you can and cannot do to limit the other’s parenting time.

Does the income that one spouse gets after the divorce from a trust or an unexpected inheritance affect what is decided in the divorce?

You shouldn’t need the law to force you to do what already makes common sense. Outside resources are a factor, so if one person has greater resources, that can be a change of circumstances.

Does the fact that one spouse has rich relatives, and is in those relatives’ wills, matter in property division upon divorce?

Gifts and inheritances are not a guarantee. You don’t have heirs until you die, because the relative could spend the money or have a falling-out with the potential heir, and then that person would get nothing. It’s not a factor.

Are you allowed to change your will after divorce?

Allowed? Of course. And you probably should. If you can’t trust your spouse as a spouse, how can you trust them to receive all your stuff? But don’t go changing the parts of the will that the divorce agreement addresses or you could be in trouble.

What if you still owe child support or spousal support at the time that you die?

Your beneficiaries are out of luck, so the best thing to do is to have life insurance. If you can’t afford or don’t want a whole life policy, try term life insurance. You may be required to have life insurance to protect a child support or spousal support obligation, so write it into your divorce agreement either way.

What happens if you die without a will?

You’re foolish. Even if you think everything will just pass to your children, which is often true, there are loopholes and exceptions. A bitter ex-spouse or an unscrupulous relative will certainly find those exceptions. Write into your divorce agreement the same provisions you have in your will, and if you don’t’ presently have a will, write one.

If you’re getting a divorce, what happens to your previous will, if you have one?

Nothing. If you want to change your will, you need to change it. That’s why they call it the “Last Will and Testament,” because you can revise your will as often as you want, and it’s only the last one before you die that counts.

When should you make a will if you’re a parent?

As soon as you get married or as soon as the first pregnancy begins, whichever comes first. Just as pregnancy is sometimes unexpected, so is death. You have to make a will before you need one. Your kids deserve not to have one tragedy turn into two.

Religion and Divorce, Part 2

Who gets to make religious decisions for the children? Children can be raised with more than one religious tradition. In joint custody, you share that responsibility. Usually, there is no conflict. Conflict can sometimes arise when one parent is religious but the other isn’t. The religious parent sometimes asks to take the kids to worship even on the other parent’s weekends. Most parents agree to this arrangement, but either way, it should be in your agreement.

Religion and Divorce, Part 1

Can you exclude your kids from witnessing or practicing a certain religion? Parents have wide latitude to protect their children, and keeping your children safe from what you believe to be harm is still your job, whether you are married or divorced.

What if my ex and I spend different amounts after our separation?

Don’t think you can either run up the tab and your spouse will pay for half, and don’t think you have to live like a pauper, either. Your post-separation spending can be tracked and recorded in your divorce agreement just like anything else.

How do you handle the expenses of a house or something else while you’re trying to sell it?

You both took the risk and potential benefit of the house together, and if you’ll be sharing equally in the equity when the house sells, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. If one of you doesn’t yet have your own financial resources, you can agree in writing in your divorce agreement that the other will advance money to the household to be prepaid when the house sells and the equity is distributed.

When can spousal support and child support begin?

Even if you’re mad about divorce, you should be arranging to pay or receive temporary support right after the separation, no matter whether you didn’t ask for the divorce or don’t even want it. Spousal support and child support can begin any time, but for spousal support to be deductible by the payer and taxable to the recipient, it has to be pursuant to a finalized legal separation document or finalized divorce judgment. Child support isn’t taxable or deductible either way, so there really are no additional factors to consider when deciding the point to start paying child support.