Step-parenting for success

1. Have a clear distinction between parents and stepparents. The biggest fear that kids of divorce have is that they’ll get a stepparent at all, particularly one who will boss them around. Describe in your divorce agreement when, if ever, new partners will enter the picture and the role they’ll have when they do.
2. Do not do activities, at least in the first year of the relationship or after the divorce, that would be the regular role of the biological parent of that gender. You will cause conflict with your ex if you allow the new boyfriend or girlfriend (whom the ex and maybe also the kids already see as an interloper) to participate in the traditional rites of passage—teaching a boy to shave, buying a girl her first feminine products, or chaperoning a school dance.
3. Discuss and agree on who will pay which expenses. Child support has changed its dynamic since the days when every other weekend was the only known parenting plan. Now, it’s necessary to specify which expenses will be paid by each parent, in your divorce agreement.
4. Wait at least two years before remarrying or living together. Complicating the family’s life with either transitions or jealousy or both is too much to ask your kids to manage just because you fear being alone. You can mandate a waiting period in your divorce agreement if you both agree.
5. Understand that a new partner has a very good chance of being seen as an interloper. If you want your new relationship to work, you need to view it as a long-term arrangement, not a short-term one. Waiting a year will help you to be happy for the next 40 years. If you don’t think your kids can influence your new marriage, you’re daring them to torpedo it.