Avoiding parentification: letting kids be kids after divorce

1) Your children do not have to take care of you when you are sad or lonely. Just because you haven’t been without your kids for days at a time before, they haven’t been without their other parent for days or weeks at a time either, and that ought to be your primary concern, instead of your own emotions. Don’t hold them responsible.

2) Set limits and consistent standards—your job is not to be your children’s friends. Unless you’d like your children to be raised by their peers, you surely understand the difference between parenting and friendship. Articulate those standards in a written divorce agreement.

3) Do not give an older child parental authority over a younger one. Children have two parents. You’ve changed your family dynamic enough already without asking your children what they think. Do not make them adjust to even more of a jolt. If you blur the parental lines with a child, your ex may feel free to blur them with a new partner. Limit in your divorce agreement who will and will not be allowed to make parental-style decisions on behalf of the kids.

4) Do not give your children a disproportionate household responsibility, even if you feel overwhelmed. Parents are the cause of a divorce, even if only one person asked for it or got the ball rolling. Parents are responsible for solving the problem with no collaboration with the children. Delineate in the divorce agreement what the household responsibilities will be, so you don’t turn your kids into servants just because you’re pressed for time.

5) It is not your kids’ job to worry about how you are doing or feeling in their absence. Unconditional love is not a two-way street. You made this bed, and now you must lie in it—without your kids’ help. Pledging in your divorce agreement what you will and won’t do when your emotions get the best of you will go a long way.