Communicating with your ex when you know you’re divorcing

1) Be polite to each other, even out of earshot of the children. Even first-graders know how to be polite to and about people they don’t like. Civility is required not only when someone is around to police your bad behavior or be damaged by it. If necessary, you can specify in your divorce agreement what that means.

2) Avoid pressing your ex’s hot buttons. You know where those buttons are because you likely installed them. Baiting your spouse will more effectively make you look petty than it will make your spouse look bad.

3) Fight outside the presence of the kids. By moving to an alternate location to fight, if you must fight at all, you do two things: (1) You protect the children from your venom. (2) You make it less convenient to fight, so you do it only when it’s worth the trip. Specify in your divorce agreement where the alternate location will be.

4) Don’t pull sudden moves such as changing locks or closing bank accounts without notice. If you want to be harmonious instead of just powerful, give your spouse notice of what you want to do and why you want to do it, instead of just throwing your weight around. Depending on the point when you do it, it may even be prohibited by law.

5) Set aside a 15-minute window each day to discuss issues. Unless your kid’s hair is on fire or there’s some other immediate threat to life and limb, whatever has your shorts in a wad can probably wait 24 hours. By setting aside only a limited window each day, you force yourself to decide whether something is actually worth each other’s time to argue over. Put in your divorce agreement what that window of time will be.