Mutual support and respect as divorced parents

1. Do not compare the children to the other parent. If something is wrong, it’s wrong because it’s wrong, not because the other parent does it. Saying “you’re just like your mom” or “you’re just like your dad” will harm your relationship with your children more than it will harm the other parent. Discuss in your written divorce agreement how you will speak about the children vis-à-vis the other parent, to avoid expressing the unavoidable negative reminders that emerge.

2. Do not complain to the children about the divorce. People should complain to two kinds of people—people who can change the situation and people who are part of their support system. Your kids are neither. They didn’t ask for this situation, and they can’t change it. Neither should they be part of your support system. That duty falls to some other adult or a group of adults, but not to children who are already working through their own trauma based on the same event.

3. Do not discuss your crimped budget with the children. Do your best to afford everything that benefited the children in the past, but if you can’t, don’t blame the divorce or the other parent for your inability to buy what you once did. Such behavior will, ironically, alienate you from the children more than the other parent. Pledge in your divorce agreement not to discuss monetary issues with the children.

4. Do not let others malign your ex, even outside the kids’ presence. You broke a promise to your ex to stay with him or her for life. Now, don’t make it worse by breaking a promise to your children to love them for life as well. Craft a detailed pledge of respect in your divorce agreement, so that both of you understand your commitments to uphold the reputation of the other parent.