Etiquette for mutual events on the other parent's parenting time

1. Ask the other parent for permission before attending an event in his or her home. Both parents should be welcome at all extracurricular events, and both parents should be able to stand the sight of the other parent at least for small amounts of time. However, if this ideal is not fully possible, it has to give way to the best interests of the child so that their time is not ruined by feuding adults who know better.

2. Understand that practices, games, and other events are available to both parents, regardless of whose parenting time it is. One way to quit fighting over every minute of parenting time is to remember that there are lots of “public” events in people’s lives that each parent can attend that don’t belong specifically to one parent or the other. If you don’t like seeing your spouse at your kids’ games, but there’s no reason to fear for your safety or that of your children, you need to get over your resentment and possessiveness and recognize that those events are for your children, not for you.

3. Respect conventions and don’t attend events just because you feel like it if it’s not typical. You may want to go to your child’s practices or piano lessons just to have more time seeing him or her. But you should do that only if other parents commonly do the same. A soccer game that everyone attends is one thing; a basketball practice that is normally closed to the public is quite another.

4. Schedule activities only on your parenting time unless you ask the other parent first. Each parent’s parenting time is theirs to do with what they choose. You cannot get the kids’ hopes up about an activity that straddles your parenting time and that of your ex, leaving it to your ex to be the “heavy” and tell the child that he or she can’t do the activity.

5. Talk to the other parenting time before you discuss a temporary change of parenting time with the kids. As in the previous example, the first two people to talk about a change of parenting time should be the parents. Once one parent has gotten the buyoff from the other parent to change a schedule, such as if Dad wants to take Junior to a baseball game during Mom’s parenting time, only then should you tell the children and ask whether they want to attend that activity. Exciting them about an activity that the other parent may ultimately veto is the wrong order in which to do such things.