Teen Bill of Rights, #91-100

91. My parents will be sensitive to the fact that some or all of the children may develop health conditions, whether temporary or chronic, and both parents will participate equally in the care.
92. I have the right to spend reasonably equal time with both parents.
93. Both of my parents will have as frequent contact with the children as is practical.
94. Even when they are upset with each other as spouses, my parents will maintain at least a civil, businesslike relationship so they can remain excellent parents.
95. My parents will plan their schedules around the children’s needs and developmental requirements.
96. My parents will live in physical proximity to one another regardless of how a job transfer, separation, or divorce might threaten that goal.
97. My parents will be careful to support and not undermine each other, regardless of their feelings about each other.
98. My parents will agree on any restrictions on any people with whom they do not want the children to associate.
99. My parents will be able to agree that both of them act in the best interests of the children.
100. My parents will not set up their lives so that the majority of the day-to-day needs of the children will be met by only one parent.

1. If this is your first holiday since your divorce . . .

. . . minimize the presence of any new partners in your time with your kids. As far as your kids are concerned, the new partner is, at least at this point, an intruder who is replacing their mom or dad—and far too soon. Parenting classes will tell you to wait at least a year before introducing new partners to your existing family. If you have not succeeded in waiting that long, put the relationship on hold for a day or even a couple of hours of that day to give your kids the assurance that you value them enough to preserve their routines and the special time they want to spend with you. Kids of all ages need as much of their routine to stay the same post-divorce as it did during the marriage. Parents who divorce have already asked their children to change enough of their lives; adding the further imposition of embracing a new relationship is too much for them to have to manage. Insisting that your kids meet, socialize, or exchange gifts with your new partner will greatly delay or even eliminate the possibility of integrating that person into the children’s lives.

Holiday etiquette: 1. Welcome the other parent into your home for at least a visit on the holiday, if at all possible.

Putting aside marital frustration for the kids’ benefit is both parents’ responsibility. Even on the worst day of a marriage or after a divorce, both parents can be grateful to one another for their children. After all, parents will have to spend their entire lives interacting with each other at events that revolve around the children, so this is just one more opportunity to practice. Some may argue that it is too confusing to the children to fraternize when spouses have divorced, but therapists agree that children just want their families together. If it is truly impossible to stand the sight of your ex-spouse, let the ex come over to the former family home and visit with the children and see their gifts on the holiday, even if you have to leave while they stay. Even when marriages cannot be reconciled, families can stay together. Spouses are divorced, not children.

Teen Bill of Rights, #81-90

81. Both of my parents and the children will live at a similar standard of living.
82. If my parents do not already have disability insurance from their employers, they will buy a disability insurance policy so that if they are hurt or ill and have to miss work, their income will not suffer.
83. My parents will have other ways of generating money besides just their jobs and existing investments.
84. My parents will maintain a credit score of at least 700, so that if they need to borrow money for anything, they will be able to do so at a low interest rate.
85. My parents will meet privately with each other once every one to three months to discuss the family’s budget, but they will talk in an area where the children will not overhear or have to participate in the conversation.
86. Neither of my parents will interfere with the time that the other parent wants to spend with the children.
87. My parents will not physically abuse their children.
88. My parents will not sexually abuse their children.
89. My parents will send me and my siblings to the best schools they can afford.
90. My parents will situate our family in an area of our city that has the best public schools possible.

Plan for changes in the school calendar around the holidays

With Christmas always on a different day of the week, school may let out with a lot of time before Christmas, or very little, or a balanced amount. Other than Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, or whatever two holiday observances you have, you can count on about 14 days of school vacation. If both parents want Winter Break parenting time aside from the holidays themselves, I suggest each parent taking seven days. In odd-numbered years, for example, Mom would get first choice of her seven days, and in even-numbered years, Dad would get to pick first.

Teen Bill of Rights, #71-80

71. My parents will understand that as I get older, it will cost more and more for me to live at the same level.
72. My parents will accept that tutoring charges, sports fees, and normal social events are reasonable expenses.
73. My parents will understand that neither one of them has to earn time with us from the other.
74. My parents will establish a college fund immediately if they have not already done so, and they will supply it with enough money to pay for at least half the full cost of attendance for four full school years at the most expensive public university in our state.
75. My parents will use money from a college fund or some other source to pay at least half the cost of attendance at the most expensive public university in our state, for up to four years, as long as I am in school full-time.
76. I will have the right to keep my progress in college confidential as long as I can prove that I am attending class and am achieving at least a 3.0 grade point average.
77. My parents will each have a life insurance policy, for at least five years’ income, naming the other parent and the children as the beneficiaries, so that if they die unexpectedly, our family will not be in a negative financial position.
78. At least one of my parents will be employed at a job that offers good medical insurance, or my parents will obtain that insurance so that we don’t have to worry about how going to the doctor or the hospital will impact our family’s financial situation.
79. The health insurance will cover expenses for medical, dental, counseling, physical therapy, orthodontic, vision, chiropractic, acupuncture, and prescription needs.
80. My parents will not spoil themselves with unnecessary medical procedures (plastic surgery, unless all the obligations to the family under the Teenagers’ Bill of Rights are already paid.

Choose in advance when the kids will spend time with each parent during the holidays

My clients commonly have one parent with the kids all throughout Christmas Eve until bedtime, and then the other parent takes the kids overnight and through most of Christmas Day. The next year, the order switches. If this is your first holiday season after your breakup, the children should be able to wake up on the holiday morning and spend all holiday celebrations in the same family home in which they are accustomed, and should go through the same routines as usual. The divorce and the fact that Mom and Dad now live in different homes is enough of a shock for one year; keep their holiday stability intact, so that you change no more than one big thing at a time.

Teen Bill of Rights, #61-70

61. My parents will use frequent-flyer miles for the benefit of the family at least as often as they spend the rewards on themselves.
62. My parents will not spend our family into bankruptcy by using their job bonus money before they actually receive it; they will put that money into savings, retirement, or a college fund.
63. My parents will pay off their credit cards each month using their regular paycheck and will not dip into savings to buy things with their credit cards unless they have previously saved for the items.
64. My parents will be careful about borrowing money from relatives.
65. My parents will not spend, give, or donate large sums of money without telling the other parent.
66. My parents will not depend on Social Security to fund their retirement.
67. My parents will not fund our family’s lifestyle by depending on wealthier family members or predicting that they will receive an inheritance from people who are not dead yet.
68. My parents will neither spoil me nor deprive me.
69. My parents will decide our family’s standard of living based on what they can reasonably afford, not based on what they experienced as children.
70. Both of my parents will be equally active in my life; I will not have a “primary” parent.

The first holiday after the divorce will be much harder than the future years.

Like it or not, you may just have to wait out the storm. Especially if you have divorced in the last few months, but even if it has been nine or ten months, there are raw emotions that need time to settle. The new lives that every member of the family is adopting take some getting used to. Much has changed in the kids’ lives—parenting schedules, after-school routines, homes, friends—and the holidays are one more adjustment. Kids can be extremely resilient, and the future will not be as trying as the present. That said, even the most well-adjusted children of the most cooperative divorces need a full “life cycle” (a year of birthdays, holidays, first day of school, last day of school, and vacations) after the divorce to have those new experiences in their changed family.

Do not use money or gifts to bribe your children.

If your children have had too many changes in their lives to handle a visit to a new place (like your new home) on a holiday, step back and don’t press the issue. Children of divorce are more receptive to subtle assurances rather than overt urging. Kids whose feelings are respected enough will come around when they have healed from the confusion of the breakup. Offering them material incentives to spend time with you on Christmas will only backfire on you, and you may inadvertently “raise the price of poker” the next time you have to induce their cooperation with an enticement.

Don’t go crazy on holiday spending

Parents often feel the need either to one-up the other parent or to compensate the children for what they’ve been through in the past year. That’s a bad practice because: (1) it puts a dent in already crimped budgets; (2) it teaches the kids that bad experiences always get remunerated; (3) the kids can figure out that they are being bought.

Agree in advance with your ex-spouse on how much money you will each spend on the children’s holiday gifts.

The custodial parent is often far less able to afford extravagant gifts than the non-custodial parent is. Fixing a dollar amount beforehand will prevent your kids from saying, “Hey, Mom, should I wait to put together the trampoline and new computer you gave me until after the Caribbean cruise you’re taking me on? And Dad, thanks for the Slinky.”

Teen Bill of Rights, #51-60

51. My parents will not own a vehicle that requires expensive repairs that take away from our safety or the things our family needs to buy with that same money.
52. My parents will combine for the family’s benefit any money they receive from a relative or friend through a will.
53. My parents will share the money they have; neither one of them will have to be limited to an allowance from the parent who earns the money.
54. Even if it means we have to spend less on some of the things our family enjoys, my parents will save at least 15% of their income for retirement.
55. My parents will have an emergency fund with the amount of money for our family to live normally for one year.
56. My parents will buy a home, rather than rent, as soon as they can afford to do so.
57. My parents will not borrow money against the value of our family home except in an emergency.
58. My parents will understand that if they own a business together, it belongs to both of them, regardless of who works there more often.
59. My parents will not purchase a club membership unless all our family’s bills are paid and they have observed the other rules in the Teenagers’ Bill of Rights.
60. If my parents are members of a club or timeshare that does not include the whole family, they will not use that membership on a regular basis to avoid spending time with the family.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 8

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #8: My kids can choose where they want to live.

TRUTH: It’s true that kids are given an increasing voice as they get older, but it would be a mistake to let them simply pick where they wanted to live. That way, the parent who serves ice cream for lunch and skips homework time to go to the video arcade would have the fast-track to getting the kids, because the kids would simply choose the more fun home. We don’t want parents to have to compete with each other or manipulate their kids to get on their good side, and we don’t want to stick kids with adult responsibilities by making them choose between two people they probably love equally.

Teen Bill of Rights, #41-50

41. My parents will not use the fact that one of them came into the marriage with more or less money as a point of argument against the other parent.
42. My parents will make an agreement before they are married, or while they are married or divorced if they already are, about what they value and the rules they will follow as my parents.
43. My parents will understand that one spouse often makes more money than the other, and they will not use their incomes to value their contribution.
44. If my parents ever separate or divorce, they will attempt to take turns living in the home while the kids live there all the time.
45. My parents will draft a will as soon as they get married, or as soon as they find out they are having their first child, whichever comes first.
46. My parents will not make stupid investments that tie up all their money so that they cannot pay for even basic things with cash.
47. My parents will agree on the quality of things they will buy, so that they are not constantly fighting about who spent money on what.
48. My parents will drive vehicles that are worth approximately the same value.
49. All the vehicles my parents drive will be safe and will be maintained in good repair.
50. My parents will not borrow money to buy a car or truck unless the interest rate they pay on the loan is less than the interest rate they earn on their investments.

Family law questions raised by the Eliot Spitzer case

1. Do you need to be able to prove that one or both spouses were at fault in order to get a divorce? No. In the 1960’s and 1970’s, states, including Oregon, started establishing no-fault divorce. My clients have had infidelity, addictions, mental instability, anger, and many other behaviors. Behaving badly doesn’t change your place in line to get a divorce. Anyone who wants a divorce can get one. It takes two to get married and one to get divorced.

2. Is fault, such as the infidelity of Governor Eliot Spitzer, relevant at all in a divorce? It doesn’t assist you in getting a divorce, but it is relevant if the behavior influences child custody. Governor Spitzer has three teenage daughters. If his own behavior put them at risk or if the people he brought to his home posed a possibility of harm, his wife could raise the issue to seek sole custody or to have his visits with his daughters supervised.

3. Is it relevant to child support or spousal support that one party has committed fault? Not specifically, but Mrs. Spitzer and others in a similar situation could argue that because of the other spouse’s behavior, more time is needed before she goes back to work. She might also claim that the children’s stability at a difficult time required that they stay in their home and not have to move, which could cost more money each month. It could also be that an additional budget is needed for therapy or childcare to help the children deal with the fallout from the at-fault parent’s behavior.

Teen Bill of Rights, #31-40

31. My parents will not engage in expensive activities if they also claim that they cannot afford to pay for the traditional activities for their children that are typical at each age.
32. My parents will hold me to high standards but not unreasonable ones, regardless of what kind of students they were in elementary school, middle school, and high school.
33. My parents will respect my privacy except in an emergency or when they have probable cause to suspect that I am doing something illegal or a violation of their rules.
34. My parents will both have training in a career in case they need to enter the working world.
35. Neither of my parents’ responsibilities to their jobs will affect their ability to be active parents.
36. My parents will not use their education to compare themselves to each other, even if one spouse is better educated or if one helped put the other through school.
37. My parents will get effective treatment for any mental illnesses, even minor ones, that they may have.
38. Neither of my parents will abuse any substances, whether they are illegal or not.
39. Neither of my parents will abuse each other physically.
40. Neither of my parents will abuse each other emotionally.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 7

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #7: What little money I get in child support will be partially eaten up by taxes.

TRUTH: Child support is a non-taxable transaction. The person who pays does not get to deduct the payments, and the person who receives does not have to pay taxes on them. Spousal support does have tax implications, but child support does not. You can be assured that when you get a check for a certain amount of child support, you will be able to spend every penny on your kids.

Teen Bill of Rights, #21-30

21. My parents will acknowledge that being married or being parents involves sacrifices, and they will not make me, my siblings, or the other parent feel guilty for what they have given up to be spouses and parents.
22. My parents will understand that they, not my grandparents or my extended family, are responsible for providing for our family.
23. My parents that they are the parents, so they will not farm out the job of raising our family to relatives or anyone else.
24. My parents will settle our family in an area where they reasonably expect to stay, and they will make every effort to encourage us to visit a good portion, if not all, of our extended family.
25. My parents will not behave in any way that makes the police or the courts have to manage our family.
26. My parents will not intimidate the other parent into seeking help from another person, including an official, if the seeking parent legitimately feels it is necessary.
27. My parents will honor any legal or moral responsibilities that they have to any other people without losing the sight of their duty to our family.
28. Our family will live in a safe and warm home that is similar in size and quality to typical homes in our area.
29. My parents will appreciate that taking vacations is important and will provide in their budget for an out-of-town trip at least once a year.
30. Our family will eat meals in restaurants at least twice a month and will eat dinner at home, all together as a family at least twice a month.

Teen Bill of Rights, #11-20

11. I will be able to reach at least one of my parents, and preferably both of them, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.
12. Both of my parents, unless they have a medical justification otherwise, will have a valid driver’s license in good standing.
13. My parents will drive safely with or without kids in their cars.
14. My parents will balance their duties at home with their responsibilities at work, always aware of the ways they perform at work can impact me and the rest of the family.
15. If my mom and dad have problems in their marriage, they will wait at least 30 days before they separate. During that time, they will attend at least four counseling sessions with a licensed therapist.
16. My parents will share stories with me about how they met, as well as the good qualities that led them to one another.
17. My parents will recall the happiness of their wedding day with me and my siblings so that I respect the commitment that a marriage involves.
18. My parents will model a steady upward progression in their income and job opportunities, showing me the value of hard work.
19. My parents will emphasize to me and my siblings that both of them have skills and will not try to one-up the other.
20. My parents will recognize that they each contribute to their marriage or their children in different ways, so it is impossible and unnecessary to value one parent’s contribution over what the other parent brings to the family.

Teen bill of rights, #1-10

1. If my parents have problems, they will recognize that I did not ask to be born and I am not a trained counselor. Accordingly, they will take up their problems, whether they come from their marriage or from their individual lives, with a counselor rather than with me.
2. My parents will respect the judgment of a counselor and will not try to know better than the counselor when the professional recommends what they should do.
3. My parents will try to prevent problems with each other by being honest with each other, even when being up front is either uncomfortable or inconvenient, particularly as they preach to me to tell the truth.
4. My parents will not use family friends or anyone who knows both of them to gang up on the other parent.
5. My parents will ask their friends and relatives to tell them what they need to know instead of what they want to hear and to encourage them to do what is right for their children even if it is inconvenient for them.
6. My parents will not ask my relatives, my friends, my friends’ parents, or any other person to cover their bad behavior or advocate something they don’t actually believe, just because my parents told them what to think or what to say.
7. My parents will not decide what names—first or last—to use themselves or to give to their children based on fueling their own egos.
8. My parents will obey the laws of the country and region in which they choose to live.
9. My parents will remember that it is not my job to be their parent; they will not rely on me to take care of them.
10. My parents will obtain the education and training to create at least a middle-class lifestyle. Poverty can be their choice, but it shouldn’t be forced on me.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 6

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #6: If I’m the primary parent and my ex increases his or her parenting time, my child support money will go down.

TRUTH: Too often, people think of child support only as the check they write or receive. It’s important to think about child support as all the money you spend on your kids, regardless of who contributes it. Married people don’t call the money they spend on their kids “child support.” Instead, when an expense comes in, they pay it. When you’re divorced, it’s the same way. When your kids are with you, you spend money on them that you probably don’t even keep track of. When your ex’s parenting time goes up, your child support payment will go down, but it’s because your ex is spending more on the kids than before.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 5

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #5: You always need a lawyer and it’s time-consuming and costs a fortune.

TRUTH: Anything a lawyer can do for you, you are also allowed to do for yourself. Mediation is the better way to go when you want some help but want to save the stress and most of the expense of lawyers. Mediation is also quicker and friendlier.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 4

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #4: If my spouse won’t budge on joint custody, we’ll go to court, and the judge can split the difference.

TRUTH: That is a huge misconception. The court cannot and will not order joint custody unless both parents agree. Furthermore, the standard parenting guidelines don’t provide anywhere near an equal division of parenting time. If you want a fair parenting time schedule where both of you will have great access to the kids, the best way is often to write your own agreement, either by yourselves or in mediation, without going to a judge.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 3

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #3: Getting a divorce is stressful and hostile and requires one of us to sue the other and send the sheriff to the house in a police car to serve the papers.

TRUTH: Why freak the kids out and embarrass your spouse by serving him or her with papers? You can do what is called a co-petition. Each spouse goes to the courthouse together to file the papers. No surprises and no hostility. After all, the spouse who wants a divorce is going to get one, so there’s no sense in fighting the inevitable.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 2

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #2: The fact that my spouse was unfaithful means that I’m going to get more support payments and sole custody of the kids.

TRUTH: Being a bad spouse doesn’t necessarily make you a bad parent. Spousal support and child support are meant to support the recipients, not to punish the payer. It would be a bad policy to say, “I know my spouse is awful, but the longer I stick it out and the more he or she does wrong, the bigger my payments will be,” and the law doesn’t say that. Fault does not change support payments, in general. The one exception is if your spouse’s behavior is damaging to the children. Then, child support might be higher only because you would likely have more parenting time.

Eleven Divorce Myths Debunked, Part 1

When people hear the word “divorce,” their minds rocket toward catastrophe. Sadly, those predictions of doom are often true. But divorce itself doesn’t create a crisis any more than a stick of dynamite explodes a building. Instead, a chain of deliberate actions transforms what could be simple, quick, and inexpensive into a costly, messy, and time-consuming debacle. Family and Divorce Mediator Matthew M. House, J.D. corrects some common myths about divorce so that the public is not terrified by the prospect of their lives collapsing just because a marriage ends.

MYTH #1: If my spouse hasn’t cheated on me or committed a crime, we can’t get a divorce without a fight unless we both agree.

TRUTH: For decades, every state has had a form of no-fault divorce. It takes two people to get into a marriage but only one to get out. “I don’t feel like doing this anymore” is enough justification. You don’t need to show that your spouse is a cheater, an abuser, or an ax murderer. No-fault means no faults are needed to divorce.

Professional and comfortable environments

A successful mediation requires an environment that is as professional as it is practical. No, we're not going to have mediation at Chuck E. Cheese's, but neither are we going to hold the sessions in the chapel at a funeral home. Mediation requires physical as well as mental comfort. When people walk into my mediation room, I always invite them to sit wherever they'd like, on either of my two long couches or any of my three chairs. At least three-quarters of the time, they share the same couch. I call those people "couch sharers," and a mediation with couch sharers is almost always more successful than those who sit apart from each other. But if those same people walked into a conference table, they would almost invariably assume that they were to sit across from each other, in an adversarial confrontation.

The trappings of formality -- a water pitcher, some refreshments, and maybe a notepad -- are all you need. The rest comes easily, just as it should with a family discussion. People in a family solve problems in the living room or the kitchen. Homes don't have conference rooms. You don't go to the board room of your house to resolve an issue with your spouse or children. Neither should you resolve your divorce that way, if your goal is still to be a family even after the marriage ends.

Encouraging positive self-esteem in mediation

I have never had a client who did not benefit from increased self-esteem. In fact, low self-esteem brings down any mediation in which it presents itself. An outside observer may be tempted to say, "If mediation isn't counseling, why does the mental state of the participants matter?" The primary answer I can give is that one's self-esteem determines how much that person trusts himself or herself to be able to live with other solutions besides the one or few that he or she has already dreamed up.

For example, if a formerly stay-at-home mom needs to go back to work to make ends meet, she may not believe that she has the skills or the desirability to market herself as a new entry into the job market. By convincing her that she does have marketable skills or that it won't be too burdensome to acquire those skills and that her ex-husband will assist her while she is doing so, a permanent problem has a more immediate solution. Such an arrangement also helps the husband, because instead of paying extra spousal support or child support when the wife decided she could not or did not want to work, his standard of living can increase along with hers because there will now be more money in the family. People will usually rise to the occasion when given the opportunity, as long as they believe they can.

Building trust-based relationships in mediation

I tell anyone who works for me, whether as an intern, a staff member, a volunteer or an associate mediator, that our primary function is to cultivate trust. From the person who offers you hot tea to the one who drafts your mediation report, trust is critical at all points. Without it, the process breaks down. Think about it--people come to divorce mediation because their marriage has broken down. Often, this downturn is ascribable to a lack of trust. Does that always have to mean that someone was intimately unfaithful to the other spouse? Certainly not. The lack of trust I’m talking about is very seldom an extramarital affair. Even the fact that the marriage vows that the couple professed for life now aren’t being honored is itself a breach of trust.

As such, when I’m dealing with people who are predisposed not to trust, because of the current life experiences that have led them to my office, I have to put their needs ahead of all else. It’s probably stupid not to fill out the client contract from the moment they walk into the door, but I don’t. I am not going to throw paperwork in front of grieving people from the second I meet them. That’s as callous as it is inhumane.

In almost every mediation, I hear one member of the couple remark to the other, “Don’t talk to him about that. This isn’t counseling.” True enough, this isn’t counseling. But unless the whole person is addressed, not to be mistaken for the isolated problem they’re trying to focus their attention on, the so-called solution we reach will not last. My goal is to get people a resolution that will still work ten years down the road, not one that just gets them out the door and then falls apart like a cheap carnival prize.

Creating a win-win outcome in mediation

The legal arena tends to focus on winners and losers. In fact, I can’t think of any other profession (other than maybe competitive sports) that defines success as beating someone else. For one person to rise, another must fall. Because divorce mediation has really been around only since the 1980s in full force, people still cling to the mentality that they must fight tooth and nail when they are getting a divorce. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The essence of mediation is to give each side as much of what it is seeking while not depriving the other side of what is most vital to that side. I heard a family court judge say once that his idea of a successful case was one in which neither party left the courtroom happy. In mediation, I’m proud to say, the satisfaction rate is in the high 90s, and everyone leaves the process with something good. People also are much more likely to comply with an agreement if they have had a hand in creating it, and if their beliefs and fears are respected and honored.

Enjoying--yes, enjoying--the mediation process

I sat with a new client on a sweltering summer day a few months ago, when hot weather was the norm instead of a distant memory. This woman was obviously upset, as many people who come to mediation are. After all, a family is in crisis with a marriage likely ending. She asked me, “Is this going to be a disaster?”

I replied, “Of course not. You can actually enjoy the mediation process.”

Well, you would have thought she’d seen a ghost, by the confused and mesmerized look on her perplexed face. She wrinkled her brow and stared across the conference room at me. “Enjoy it? But I didn’t enjoy the consultation I had with a lawyer. Isn’t this going to be the same thing?”

“Not in the slightest. This is mediation, not competition. This is cooperation, not one-upmanship. My goal is to help you solve your case with the least amount of time and money possible, not draw it out as long and expensively as I can.”

Thus began a long mediation process, not because the issues took a long time to resolve but because I genuinely enjoyed this couple and they enjoyed me. We joked about kids and current events, and we shared the same goal--to get their kids out of the fractured situation as smoothly as we could. Because we created a rapport-based approach, the husband and the wife were able to cooperate in ways they never would have in the cold confines of a law-firm conference room.

Their kids came to visit me twice and begged to come back, which I happily obliged. This family was mediation at its best, a shining example of what this process can do for people who want a nicer, quicker, and cheaper solution to what otherwise could be a family-wrecking catastrophe.

How can you agree on a value for a business that you own together if you are divorcing?

Determining the value of a business is one of the most difficult decisions a couple must make in a divorce. The reason that process is so difficult is that there is little to compare one business to the next. Evaluating a business is not like selling a home, where there might be a dozen in the same neighborhood with the identical condition and floor plan. With a business, you have several options, however. First, you can go to a business broker, whose function is similar to that of a real estate agent and who generally charges a similar fee structure. Second, you can call an accountant who can perform a basic analysis of your profit and loss statements and give you a ballpark figure. Third, and perhaps most expensively, you can commission a full business evaluation by a specially-trained accountant. Those evaluations can run more than $10,000.

How are personal care expenses addressed in child support and spousal support?

Child support and spousal support are meant to meet all the needs that the family may have, even though the reality can often be quite different. As you prepare your request or negotiations for spousal support and child support, you need to make sure that you have a detailed budget that includes every single penny that you spend each month. If you have left something out, you may not be asking for enough money to fund the proper lifestyle to which you have been accustomed. If you are planning to go to a high-end hair salon, get your nails manicured, or have your eyebrows waxed regularly, you must include those requests in your proposal and agreement.

Are things like landscape services essential expenses?

In terms of whether they are factored into the ordinary and customary spousal support and child support figures, probably not. Child support and spousal support don’t even incorporate what is needed, much less a bunch of extras. If such a service has always been a part of your lifestyle, it makes sense to continue it as a regular and customary expense. Also, if having that sort of hired help would assist you in preparing your home for sale, or if it is essential to have someone do those chores because your new status as a single parent leaves you with less free time, you can always include the amount in your budget and bring it up in your negotiations. Most of my clients are very reasonable with each other about the additional expenses they require as they transition from married to single life.

Getting credit after divorce

One of the smartest things you can do immediately, whether you're married, divorced, engaged, or happily single, is to establish credit accounts in your own name. Is this about helping you to have a credit card that you can run up without letting your spouse know about the purchases. No. Am I suggesting that you set yourself up to be able to flee your marriage on a moment's notice? No, not that either. The point of having your own credit is, I think, at least twofold. First, by keeping things separate, you have a better chance of keeping your credit cleaner if your spouse goes off the deep end and starts defaulting on bills. Second, you will be able to apply for credit for larger purchases such as a home mortgage or car loan. The biggest downfall of newly-divorced people is that they didn't consider how hard it would be to purchase a home or car without any of their own credit.

Divorcing when you have no assets

Keep in mind that although we speak of divorce lawyers as seemingly essential, but I beg to differ, anything a lawyer can do for you, you can also do for yourself. You never HAVE to pay a lawyer to do anything, although in many cases it may seem advisable. If you have no assets or very few (I define that threshold as under $10,000 in net worth), you may save yourself some time by going down to the courthouse and filing your own divorce. You may find that you don't need to use a mediator or a lawyer. If you have nothing you're fighting about and nothing and no one you're trying to protect, you probably don't have much to lose. Why dump $2,000 at a mediator's office or $5,000 or more at a lawyer's office when there's nothing at issue and it's just a matter of paperwork?

What needs to happen to people’s food and entertainment budgets post-divorce in most cases?

Usually, people's food and entertainment budgets go down somewhat in the aftermath of a divorce. That seems obvious. What may not be as self-evident is my recommendation that, if possible, you keep your food and entertainment expenditures close to what they were before the divorce. That way, you have kept continuity for your kids. Also, you may need, realistically, to eat out more frequently as you adjust to being a single parent. Obviously, your desire for convenience never trumps your kids' needs, but you may find yourself wanting to keep those convenience budgets intact. That said, a lot of people have become addicted to convenience products, particularly individually-packaged foods. I strongly believe that a box of Zip-loc bags and a big container of food bought in bulk will go a long way toward reining in the family food budget.

Does the difference in the value of the cars matter in divorce?

You need to look at the whole package. It may seem unfair that one spouse has a nicer car than the other. But it may also seem inappropriate that a large portion of one person's property in the asset division is tied up in the equity in a vehicle, which is sure to depreciate over the months and years. Normally, my clients and I make a spreadsheet of all their assets and liabilities. In that effort, a car that has a Kelley Blue Book value of $15,000 but has a $12,000 debt on it would be listed as a $3,000 asset. Once I have a list of all the assets and liabilities in one column, I convert the chart to two columns and start moving things from one spouse to the other until the total either balances equally or comes out to the percentages that the couple wants. That includes the value of the cars. Whatever the vehicles that each person is keeping are worth contributes to their total share of the assets and liabilities, so if they owe a lot of money on their vehicles, they won't factor as heavily into the division of property as if they were paid in full.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie, part 1

I have noticed in my reading and research that Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie presents an amazingly compact nugget of family law information. Their situation presents an example from which to answer questions about divorce, if we assume the hypothetical that the divorce was here in Oregon. I hope you can see the same wealth of knowledge that this news story presents to me. I have used celebrity cases such as Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears to educate TV audiences about how “regular” divorces can parallel the issues that famous people also experience.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have been married for 7 ½ years. In Oregon, does it matter how long you’ve been married in terms of figuring out what happens with your divorce? Yes, it matters to a degree. Usually, regardless of how long your marriage is, you keep half of what you both accumulated during the marriage. The length of the marriage affects the things you brought into the marriage. In Oregon, a short-term marriage is one less than five years. In a short-term marriage, you generally take half of the accumulation during the marriage and all of whatever you personally came in with. In a long-term marriage of more than nine years, you generally take an equal share of whatever you currently have, regardless of whatever you came in with. A mid-term marriage is between five and nine years, as Madonna and Guy have, and a mid-term marriage can be characterized either as short-term or long-term depending on the circumstances.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie, part 2

I have noticed in my reading and research that Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie presents an amazingly compact nugget of family law information. Their situation presents an example from which to answer questions about divorce, if we assume the hypothetical that the divorce was here in Oregon. I hope you can see the same wealth of knowledge that this news story presents to me. I have used celebrity cases such as Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears to educate TV audiences about how “regular” divorces can parallel the issues that famous people also experience.

In Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s family, they have one biological child, one adopted child, and one child from her previous relationship. Are stepchildren, biological children, and adopted children treated three different ways by the court system? Stepchildren, unless they are adopted by the new spouse and the other biological parent has either given up his rights or has died, are not the subject of custody in a divorce. They remain in the custody of their biological parents. Adopted children are treated the same as biological children in a custody proceeding. A parenting time schedule is established for adopted children just as it would be for biological children, and decision-making power is given to one parent or the other (or to both parents if they agree).

Madonna and Guy Ritchie, part 3

I have noticed in my reading and research that Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie presents an amazingly compact nugget of family law information. Their situation presents an example from which to answer questions about divorce, if we assume the hypothetical that the divorce was here in Oregon. I hope you can see the same wealth of knowledge that this news story presents to me. I have used celebrity cases such as Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears to educate TV audiences about how “regular” divorces can parallel the issues that famous people also experience.

At the time of their marriage, Madonna was far wealthier than Guy Ritchie, and she probably has made more money during her marriage than he has. How do those factors affect their divorce? If their divorce were in Oregon, it would seem unlikely that he would walk away with as much money as she walked away with, as they did not have a long-term marriage and she came in with far more money than he did. Also, she made most of her money before she met him; a smaller portion of her fortune has been earned since their marriage date. However, he is probably entitled to some of the money she has made because in Oregon it would be presumed that he contributed equally to acquiring it, and because he has gotten used to a lifestyle based on her higher income.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie, part 4

I have noticed in my reading and research that Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie presents an amazingly compact nugget of family law information. Their situation presents an example from which to answer questions about divorce, if we assume the hypothetical that the divorce was here in Oregon. I hope you can see the same wealth of knowledge that this news story presents to me. I have used celebrity cases such as Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears to educate TV audiences about how “regular” divorces can parallel the issues that famous people also experience.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have homes in two countries that are separated by an ocean. Can you move or travel with the kids wherever you want during and after the divorce? In Oregon, if you want to move more than 60 miles further distant from the other parent, you must give notice in writing at least 30 days prior to the move. That means that you can move farther, but you just need to give notice. There have been cases where the non-moving parent has contested the other parent’s right to move far away, but those cases are more and more often resolved in favor of allowing the parent to move. There is even case law where an Oregon judge allowed a mother to move with the kids to New Zealand. You can’t get much farther away than that. It is always at the discretion of the court, and the best interests of the child are considered.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Part 5

I have noticed in my reading and research that Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie presents an amazingly compact nugget of family law information. Their situation presents an example from which to answer questions about divorce, if we assume the hypothetical that the divorce was here in Oregon. I hope you can see the same wealth of knowledge that this news story presents to me. I have used celebrity cases such as Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears to educate TV audiences about how “regular” divorces can parallel the issues that famous people also experience.

What do you do if, as is true for Madonna and Guy Ritchie, the cost of affording your lifestyle is greater than the child support and spousal support payments that would be typical? Even for less wealthy couples, such as the vast majority of the population, child support is ridiculously low. You can submit a request to the court for a higher amount based on a budget that you also submit, showing your greater needs and the time you have enjoyed that lifestyle. The more common way to receive greater child support or spousal support is simply to agree to it privately and then write it into your agreement. You don’t need a judge to order it, but a court is one way to get to that outcome if private negotiations fail.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie, part 6

I have noticed in my reading and research that Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie presents an amazingly compact nugget of family law information. Their situation presents an example from which to answer questions about divorce, if we assume the hypothetical that the divorce was here in Oregon. I hope you can see the same wealth of knowledge that this news story presents to me. I have used celebrity cases such as Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears to educate TV audiences about how “regular” divorces can parallel the issues that famous people also experience.

6) Would you expect that Guy Ritchie will receive spousal support from Madonna, and how is spousal support figured? No, I would not expect that he would. Even though he is not as high an income-earner as she is, he is still fully self-sufficient. Self-sufficiency is the standard for spousal support. Guy will be able to afford even a very affluent lifestyle on his own income and on the investment income from the lump sum he is likely to receive from Madonna. Also, he was wealthy before he met her and he enjoyed a high standard of living even before the marriage, so he likely does not need her to supplement him after the marriage in order to maintain the same lifestyle he enjoyed before and during the marriage.

If one parent has heightened medical, psychological, or financial needs, does that circumstance influence the payment of support?

Yes. The child support guidelines and spousal support principles assume that people follow the norm. Not every family does. Not every family can. For example, the child support guidelines presume that each parent is capable of making at least minimum wage. However, if the parent has developmental or physical disabilities, this may not be possible. Similarly, if a child has high needs, that parent may not financially be able to be away from the child if the parent needs to be the one providing constant care. A parent may also have a temporary or even a permanent psychological disability. If so, the expectation that he or she work and support himself or herself may not be realistic. In each special case, the circumstances are evaluated to determine the proper course of action and what will yield a just and equitable resolution.

What if one parent wants to move into a brand-new house and the other parent can only afford something smaller?

The state's philosophy, as well as an approach that passes the common-sense test, is that both parents should have a stable and reasonably self-sufficient lifestyle after the divorce. Does that mean necessarily an equal lifestyle? No, it does not. Once you divide your assets fairly (which usually means equally, depending on the length of the marriage and other factors) and establish a fair spousal support and child support schedule, it doesn't matter who does what with that person's own money.

With that said, I still think it's important for both parents to live reasonably equally in the immediate aftermath of the divorce, so that the kids don't notice a disparity and so that they can continue their established lifestyle. If one parent has the resources to create a fabulous home that the kids gravitate toward, it may weaken the credibility of the other parent and place the kids in an awkward position.

Do you need a professional appraiser to value your items before you divorce?

In divorce, you can be as precise or as vague as you wish. You don't have to identify every asset down to the penny, but you certainly can if you want. Usually, people use their own sense of fairness and what they know about their own property to value their items. Whether you use the new price, or more commonly, the garage sale price, to determine the value of the items each of you will be carrying away after the divorce, just be consistent across the board.

If you do need a professional appraisal, my office supplies recommendations to appraisers whom I know and trust. An appraisal for a piece of residential real estate, for example, tends to cost about $350 to $450, depending on the complexity that you desire.

Is a house preferable to an apartment, post-divorce?

It depends what you are trying to achieve. Obviously, if safety and immediacy are issues, an apartment may be a good option because it is easier to get into one quickly. A house may take months to purchase. Renting a house is also a fine option for many people. The problem that I generally see in my practice comes up when the lesser-earning spouse faces the question of “If I don’t buy another house now, I won’t ever be able to own one again.” Buying a house while you still have the income of the other parent to bolster your loan chances is often a smart thing to do. The only trouble arises when you try to get the loan transferred to your name only, and the bank may not go for it because they don’t want to remove their ability to collect from the more well-off spouse in the event that you default.

For a lot of reasons, having a house – whether it is rented or owned – is the preferred choice. Enjoying a yard, having the ability to keep pets, and being in somewhat more open quarters so as not to disturb your neighbors with your every sound are reasons that support living in a detached house instead of an apartment. However, the rent on an apartment is often lower than a house because most apartments are smaller than most houses.

Does the ability to take care of a pet factor into the amount of support or the type of residence where people live after the divorce?

Let me start by stepping onto my soap box for a moment to complain about how inadequate child support almost always is and how excessive spousal support often is. With that said, the normal guidelines don't seem to encompass even the regular and customary expenses for human beings, so it would stand to reason that the extras such as pets would not make it into the budget, at least not the one that the state has cobbled together. If you have extra expenses such as a pet or any other, I advocate using a "needs-based" approach to determining spousal support and child support. Figure out what money is available between the two spouses and determine how it should be allocated to each of them according to their needs. Particularly if the kids have become attached to their pets, keeping those pets should remain a high priority as it relates to the stability of the kids. Yes, it costs money to have a pet, and yes, it means you can't be as picky about where you live and you may spend more for a pet-friendly dwelling, but you owe your kids a reasonable continuation of the lives they always knew.

How do you divide household goods, especially those with investment value or sentimental value?

The typical way to make an agreement about household goods is to be able to say that at the time of the finalization of the divorce, the husband will take all the household goods then in his possession, and the wife will do the same with the household goods she has. If you can't agree on the values of the items, you can do one of two things. First, you can get a professional appraiser to value each of them. Second, and probably more practically, you can go through the house and each select one at a time until every single thing is gone. Yes, it seems a bit like picking a basketball team on the third-grade playground, but the simplest approaches are often the most effective. With regard to sentimentality, a family heirloom may be very important to one party but not to the other, and the party may accept far less monetary value in exchange for having that item.

What is the Disneyland Dad syndrome?

The Disneyland Dad syndrome is the phenomenon that has the non-custodial parent, usually the father, seeing the kids so infrequently that when he does, he feels the need to impress them with fun, exciting, and expensive opportunities. It transforms him from a parent into an entertainer, and it actually weakens the relationship between his kids and him, rather than his implied goal of strengthening it. The kids don't get to spend authentic time with that parent, because he's going 100 miles an hour to try to get on their good side.

My solutions to this problem are to have as equal a parenting schedule as possible without damaging the kids' routines or the parents' need for stability and to earn their livings. Sometimes, it is also helpful to include in your divorce agreement how much you will be spending on the children for birthdays, holidays, and regular entertainment.

How is it appropriate to be involved with your ex’s family after the divorce?

Your kids need to understand that divorce ends a marriage but not a family. The family members whom they enjoyed for many years at holiday gatherings and family reunions should still remain part of their lives and both of yours, even as the family has reconstituted itself after the end of the marriage. I would hope that your ex-in-laws would feel the same way I do about retaining those familial ties. If a loved one from your ex's side of the family gets married, has a grandchild, or passes away, I think it's entirely appropriate (within the context of how nice or how toxic your divorce has been, of course) for you to acknowledge those events with your presence. It will show your children that you value the time you spent married to their other parent enough to continue to respect that family's members.

How do you determine who is going to pay for what expenses if the kids spend equal or substantial time with each parent?

That is an excellent question that has come up more and more frequently in recent years and decades since the "every other weekend" model stopped being the only parenting schedule we knew how to use. Before, one parent spent the vast majority of the time with the kids, so that parent always purchased anything that wasn't a day-to-day expense such as food or utilities. Now, however, kids spend time during the school week at the non-custodial parent's house, far more than four nights a month. The "let me write a child support check and then you take everything out of that" approach no longer works, yet it is still used in most cases because the lawyers and the parties are often not thinking about the long-term effects of vagueness. It is best to delineate in your divorce agreement who will pay what share of the following types of expenses: clothing, school fees, extracurricular fees, sports costs, photographs, travel, field trip fees, lessons, tutoring, and the like.

How do you handle the children’s toys that are too big to move from one house to each other routinely?

You can keep big items such as ATVs or the hot tub at one home or the other. The only major risk you run is that you don't want one house to be Club Med while the other is totally boring. Your kids will be tempted--regardless of what you say about how well-adjusted they are--to gravitate toward the home that is the most fun. In this case, we're talking about the fun items that may be placed at one home or the other, but that same rationale extends to the discipline methods, bedtime, diet, and privileges. Deciding where to allocate the toys as a matter of asset division in the divorce is one question; how to allocate them so that they don’t present an unintended problem for the parenting schedule is quite another.

How do you handle improvements to your home before you sell, even if one parent has moved out?

Most of my clients treat their home as the joint venture that it always has been, even after they have separated. If you are selling a home, particularly in this depressed real estate market that we have been in for the past several years that shows no signs of improving soon, you may need to dump some money into your home before you sell. After consulting with a qualified real estate agent or appraiser (and I can provide resources for both if you need them), you should either share equally in those expenses or have one person "lend" the household the money, to be repaid when the sale of the house closes and you receive the resulting equity.

What dirt can you dig up on your spouse or vice-versa?

Let me preface my answer by saying that I do not encourage people to dig up dirt on their spouses, nor do most of my clients engage in that kind of mudslinging. However, the income, personal choices, relationships, medical history, psychological history, spending habits, addictions, substance abuse, and many other aspects of a person's life can be relevant to determine how fit he or she is as a parent. You need to remember that those factors are primarily relevant to the issue of child custody and parenting time, if they are even pertinent at all. The sensational celebrity custody fights really don't play themselves out all that often in real life.

How public are the records in your divorce?

Your divorce is generally part of a public record. That means that most anything in the divorce agreement or in the court filings or orders are visible to the public who may search for it. In my mediation reports, I usually ask both parties to agree that they will not have me include things about the parties' medical history or psychological history. I would not want someone who later examined the document to be prejudiced against the parties for a private matter that they have since resolved. Also, in the age of identity theft, it is unwise to include your driver's license or Social Security number as part of the documentation unless it is specifically requested by the court. In Oregon, those private details are sealed from disclosure, but if you are inquiring about a state that may not have those protections, you will need to ascertain the requirements as well as the safeguards before you choose your course of action.

This is our first set of holidays after our divorce. What can we expect our kids to be concerned about?

Children of divorce regularly reverse roles. I can remember two kids, Hannah and Jordan, who were worried that while they were with one parent, the other would be alone. You can reassure them that the holidays are for them to enjoy and you will be able to take care of yourselves as adults and will see them frequently during the holidays, even if not every minute. They may also worry about what the divorce will do to the holiday gift budget. If you are fair and equal with your gift-giving, I don’t think your kids will remember in January what they got for Christmas. But if you overspend, you will certainly remember because you’ll still be paying off the bills. The kids will remember how they felt on the holidays more than what they got.

How do we divide the holidays fairly and with the most respect to our children?

You want to be very sure that your parenting schedule during the holidays makes both of you seem equal and important in the kids’ eyes. If you celebrate Christmas, you can divide Christmas Eve and Christmas Day into two equal periods and give one parent first choice in even-numbered years and the other parent first choice in odd-numbered years. Holidays can also be divided in such a way that you spend parts of each important day with each parent—who doesn’t like two Thanksgiving dinners in the same day?

Should we celebrate together the first year?

Maybe, depending on your situation—both what your kids want and what you’re able to achieve without a problem. If you can get along civilly with your ex, as most people can, it’s fine to celebrate holidays together. It doesn’t have to be every minute of the holidays, but enough to make your kids see that you are committed to being a family even though you aren’t spouses. The only downside is that if you are too friendly with your spouse, you run a small risk of having your kids wonder why you’re divorced or whether you’ll soon be getting back together. Usually, especially with school-age and teenage kids, this concern is usually very minor compared to all the benefits of celebrating together, but it’s something to think about. You need to remember that after a divorce, your kids will usually love both of you far more than you love each other, so your perception of tension or problems may be in your head but not an issue for your kids.

If we’ve been divorced for a while, is it bad to continue celebrating holidays together?

You need to examine your own situation. If it’s not confusing to the kids, as it probably is not, especially after a longer period of doing it, there is probably nothing wrong with continuing. Where it gets a bit difficult is when a new partner has entered the picture and may not want to hang out with the ex or the ex may not want to be around the new partner, especially if the ex doesn’t have a new partner of his or her own yet. However, I still say that holidays are about the kids and preserving their routine, and if the adults are uncomfortable initially, they need to be the mature ones and do the right thing even when they don’t feel like it.

How is it best to handle buying gifts?

It’s often a good idea to agree in advance about how much money you will spend on the children for their holiday gifts. That way, neither parent will be able to manipulate the kids with an expensive present, and neither parent will feel the need to compete with the other. Also, collaborating with your ex will avoid each of you purchasing the same items. And if you have to cut back on your holiday budget, don’t worry about it too much. My mom would routinely announce, “It’s going to be a low-key Christmas this year.” I never felt slighted. What we did as a family was more significant than the gifts we unwrapped. When money is tight in a bad economy and in the aftermath of a recent divorce, don’t exceed your financial means—there’s no point.

A few more health insurance and reimbursement questions answered

1) What if the health insurance plan that my spouse wants to enroll the children in is of a lesser quality than the one we had before? You would be wise to agree in advance on what company will be the servicer of the insurance plan. Many employers have several plans from which to choose. You will need to know the benefit schedule for the insurance plan that you are considering, so that you don’t make the mistake of choosing the cheapest plan, only to find out later that the out-of-pocket costs actually make your total expense even higher than it used to be. Agreeing on who will pay for the plan and what plan it will be and what that plan covers are essential decisions to make BEFORE you divorce.

2) What if the health plan does not cover the types of services that I want or need? You will need an agreement in advance about the types of medical procedures that your policy allows, and the way that you will handle unreimbursed expenses. For example, does your plan cover acupuncture? If so, is it an in-network or out-of-network benefit? If not, what are the out-of-pocket costs for people without insurance? Are you comfortable sharing those costs in the same proportion that you share other unreimbursed medical expenses? You need to have this discussion for chiropractic, orthodontia, plastic surgery, vitamins, herbal supplements, natural medicine, and other special services before you just expect the other parent to understand that you require reimbursement. Sometimes, you will find that paying out-of-pocket for the occasional use of those services is more cost-effective than buying a more expensive plan that includes them as benefits.

A couple of frequently asked questions about adoption and divorce

1) Do adopted children have any different rights from those of natural-born children? No. A parent is a parent if the parent has parental rights, regardless of when or how the parent acquired those rights. Adopted children are treated just as natural-born children are treated in the eyes of the law.

2) Do adopted children tend to have a harder time adjusting to divorce? Some people would argue that adopted children are used to change, so this change is “par for the course.” I strongly disagree, although I can vaguely see the logic of that argument. I take the opposite view as a family and divorce mediator. I think that if a child has been put through enough traumatic changes already in his or her life, why add one more hardship? I work with my clients promote stability and permanency, so they can avoid any perception of abandonment.

Mediator Matthew's October Divorce Speech

From about October 1 until the end of the year, divorcing families have to take a good, hard look at the choices they will make about their taxes for the coming year. You must be married as of December 31 of a given tax year to file your taxes as a married couple. This is the time of year when it is especially important to consider the tax consequences of your divorce, and to meet with the appropriate tax professionals, whether a tax preparer, a Certified Public Accountant, or a tax attorney.

Several big issues tend to come up at this time of year, particularly in families where there is a large disparity between the incomes of the husband and the wife. First, if the higher-income earner has had his or her income deductions figured throughout the year based on the assumption of filing jointly, his or her tax may be significantly higher at the end of the year when filing individually. Not enough tax may have been withheld throughout the year, and that higher income-earner may be hit with a big tax bill on April 15.

The second way that the higher income-earner may be affected adversely is if he or she has claimed the children as dependents for his or her withholdings throughout the year. If the lower income-earner has more parenting time than the higher-income earner, the lower income-earner will be the one who has a the legal right to claim the children as dependency exemptions unless both the husband and the wife make an agreement to the contrary. In that case, the proper amount of tax probably was not withheld throughout the year, and the higher income-earner will again face an increased tax bill.

Many of my clients choose to file jointly for the current year and finalize the divorce sometime the following year. What you do is up to you and your tax professional to figure out, and the comments I’ve made above may or may not apply to you, depending on the particular details of your situation.

"Visitation" and "parenting time" are the same thing, right?

No. Oregon uses a more child-friendly terminology. Parenting time refers to the blocks of time that either parent spends with the child. This distinction is very important to me and to my clients, because I emphasize that neither of the parents is a visitor. Instead, both are parents with equal obligations (and often equal rights) as parents.

Visitation is, as the name suggests, a "visit" with someone such as a grandparent or other relative, friend, or acquaintance. It is critical to use the proper wording because calling the parenting time a "visit" marginalizes the children's attachment to that parent and it gives the parents some license to push themselves away from each other.

TIP: Catch yourself when you refer to the time your children spend with you or your ex as a "visit." Your children visit with the dentist or a math tutor, not with their other parent.

Do I have any custody rights over my adult child?

Generally not. The court cannot award custody of any child once that child has reached the age of 18. However, as a landlord or as a continuing contributor to your children, you can enforce any reasonable obligation in exchange for your doing more than the law requires of you. For example, if you pay only the minimum child support required by law, you will not be able to enforce any additional conditions against your children. However, if you pay more child support or pay for a longer period of time than the law would compel you, you may demand concessions from your children in exchange for that consideration.

Calming kids' nerves: What to tell them about divorce

1. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. Children do not ask for selfish parents, but they’ll try to accommodate you and blame themselves, even with the irony that all the while the parents are ignoring the kids’ needs and failing to take responsibility. Child-centered divorces are about solutions, not blame and not competition. When you cast blame at each other, they will dart in front of that blame to protect the attached parent. The best way to ensure that they won’t blame themselves is by you as parents focusing on the future instead of blaming each other. Even acknowledging in your written agreement that you affirm the things you’ve told your kids about their lack of blame for the divorce would be a helpful way to get both parents on the same page.

2. Spare the kids the specific details about why you are divorcing. Is there really a reason you can give that will make the kids say, “Yes, now I see. Great idea!”? No. What can you say that won’t make at least one of you look bad? The less you do to put down the other parent will actually work in YOUR favor later. Don’t think you’re hiding the truth—you’re just letting the kids get through the crisis, grow up, and discover these realities for themselves.

3. Most parents can interact civilly with each other not long after the divorce, and often right away. If you can’t keep your household intact, you need at least to keep your traditions intact. Holidays are for your kids to celebrate, not for you to mark your territory. Did you enjoy holidays and events as a kid? If you had married parents or cooperative divorced parents, you probably did. You owe your kids the same. If holidays and other events were a stress for you because you had feuding parents, you only have to look as far as your own experience to know that that was a mistake you would never want to bring upon your kids. Your involvement with your ex won’t end with a divorce decree. As long as you and your kids are alive, you will have the potential for interactions with your ex—at school, at holidays, at sports events, at weddings, at funerals, at graduations, and so many more opportunities. Model for your kids that you love them more than you dislike each other.

4. Respect their love for and loyalty to the other parent. Bad spouses can still be good parents. I’ve met a lot of people who have had three spouses, but I don’t know anyone with three sets of parents. Even bad parents usually have their kids’ love and loyalty. Write down in your divorce agreement the positive aspects of each parent’s parenting style as a way of centering your attitude toward your ex around the good reasons you married him or her. Things were not always bad in your marriage, and even on your worst day as a married or divorced couple, you always have your kids as reasons to be grateful to your ex. You wanted to break up your family. Your kids can’t be in two places at once, and if you’re not careful, they won’t want to be in either. It is smart to agree not only on parenting time but also on how you will fill your alone time—both to make sure you have some and also to make sure you don’t have so much that all you do is sulk.

5. You want to be able to tell your children—but only if you can do so honestly—that you will remain financially secure after the divorce. Very few people inhabit bridges after a divorce. Cut all your manicures, golf, movies, and hair styling before you change anything about your kids’ lives. Prepare a budget and then reorder it so that the things that affect only you or your ex are at the bottom. Chances are, you can cut things from your budget so that your kid can continue his guitar lessons or her ballet class.

Making parenting time smooth for each parent

1. Should the children have a role in choosing whether to attend parenting time? Yes, they should have a role in choosing parenting time, but parents always have to remember that they pulled rank when they were married, and they need to pull rank even when they’re divorced, when they know what’s best for the kids. The kids should have a role in choosing the initial parenting time schedule and whether to modify it long-term, but choosing to skip, delay or shorten each visit on a case-by-case basis should not be an option. Allowing such will lead to manipulation and will result in a competition between the parents.

2. Where should exchanges of parenting time take place? Exchanges of parenting time should take place wherever it is smoothest and will not make the children feel like a financed vehicle being seized by the repo man. If that can be each parent’s home, terrific. If it has to be an alternate location, that’s fine as well. Another adult can even supervise the exchange if the mere sight or sound of the other parent will cause a reaction in one parent that will make the children uncomfortable.

3. What should each parent do to prepare the children for their time with the other parent? It’s only fair to the kids that all their stuff be packed and ready. If they are old enough to do this themselves, they should. If not, they deserve help. Ultimately, however, it falls to the parents to make sure the kids are ready, because if parents don’t ensure that readiness, they are creating a problem for their ex that will get that person’s parenting time off to a bad start, which will quickly trickle down to the children and ruin their time as well.

4. What happens when one parent misses his or her parenting time? Generally, we adopt the philosophy that “stuff happens.” You can’t always predict when certain events are going to come up. Mom might have to go out of town during her time, or Junior might have a sleepover or a Boy Scout trip during Dad’s time. Those things just fall where they may, and over the long haul, it tends to come out pretty evenly, so parents just have to forget about the little squabbles over 30 minutes here or a night there.

Etiquette for mutual events on the other parent's parenting time

1. Ask the other parent for permission before attending an event in his or her home. Both parents should be welcome at all extracurricular events, and both parents should be able to stand the sight of the other parent at least for small amounts of time. However, if this ideal is not fully possible, it has to give way to the best interests of the child so that their time is not ruined by feuding adults who know better.

2. Understand that practices, games, and other events are available to both parents, regardless of whose parenting time it is. One way to quit fighting over every minute of parenting time is to remember that there are lots of “public” events in people’s lives that each parent can attend that don’t belong specifically to one parent or the other. If you don’t like seeing your spouse at your kids’ games, but there’s no reason to fear for your safety or that of your children, you need to get over your resentment and possessiveness and recognize that those events are for your children, not for you.

3. Respect conventions and don’t attend events just because you feel like it if it’s not typical. You may want to go to your child’s practices or piano lessons just to have more time seeing him or her. But you should do that only if other parents commonly do the same. A soccer game that everyone attends is one thing; a basketball practice that is normally closed to the public is quite another.

4. Schedule activities only on your parenting time unless you ask the other parent first. Each parent’s parenting time is theirs to do with what they choose. You cannot get the kids’ hopes up about an activity that straddles your parenting time and that of your ex, leaving it to your ex to be the “heavy” and tell the child that he or she can’t do the activity.

5. Talk to the other parenting time before you discuss a temporary change of parenting time with the kids. As in the previous example, the first two people to talk about a change of parenting time should be the parents. Once one parent has gotten the buyoff from the other parent to change a schedule, such as if Dad wants to take Junior to a baseball game during Mom’s parenting time, only then should you tell the children and ask whether they want to attend that activity. Exciting them about an activity that the other parent may ultimately veto is the wrong order in which to do such things.

College funding post-divorce

1. Do you have to pay child support for college? The better question is, “If you knew your ex would get nothing extra from you, would you want to contribute to your children’s education?” Yes, of course you would. Child support continues to age 21 if the child is enrolled in school with passing grades. If you don’t want to tell your kids you’re paying only because the state forces you, write a divorce agreement that pays more or for a longer time.

2. What do you do if you don’t know how much college is going to cost or what you will be able to afford when your children finally reach college age? It’s a moving target, to be sure, but when college costs more than most people paid for their homes, it’s not too early to start planning even when the child is an infant or not even born yet. One approach that works especially well is to figure out what you think you could afford today if you had a senior in high school heading off to college. You can then agree to share the cost (or a portion of the total) of the highest-cost state university in your state at the time your kids go to college. That way, you have some way to index your contribution to what you can afford, even while not being able to predict the future completely accurately.

3. Should college support replace child support or be in addition to child support? It really depends on the situation. If parents can afford to do both, that’s preferable. Kids need not only the expenses of the eight or nine months they’re away at school, but also a “home base” when they’re back for breaks and summer hiatus.

Treating your kids as gifts instead of as possessions

1. Parenting time belongs to the child. Adults have already received what society expects them to have—the skills to leave the nest and fly on their own. Your children have not yet received that, and the time they spend with each of you is designed to benefit them, not you. The decision to obliterate the family unity was yours, not theirs, so don’t make it worse by hoarding parenting time that isn’t meant for your advantage anyway.

2. Your children will not be able to acquire new parents. The deplorable way that some parents behave, some kids wish they could trade in their parents, but they’ll never be able to. Your kids do not belong to you.

3. It may be best for you to have less than 50% parenting time. Often, the highest quality parenting time is around 35% of the overnights. Don’t assume the quality of your relationship with your children will suffer because you have less than equal parenting time. Equal parenting time rarely works well. It is appropriate only for that limited number of parents who can get along swimmingly.

4. Don’t do anything that would come between them and the other parent. You’re not as slick and smooth as you think. If you dare to try to drive a wedge between your children and your ex, your kids will know you alienated them from the other parent, and your efforts will backfire on you. Put in your divorce agreement your commitments about how you will regard the other parent around the kids.

5. Never use the words “my kids” or “The kids need me/their dad/their mom more.” Men and women are not biologically better parents because of their anatomy. The kids belong to both of you but are neither of your property. Pledge in your divorce agreement not to use that terminology.

Supervised parenting time: Is it necessary?

1. Agree on the standards that would result in supervised parenting time. Supervised parenting time is an invasion of privacy. A supervisor must stand within feet of the parent and child, like a Secret Service agent. Supervised parenting time is a shield to protect the children, not a sword that a bitter spouse should use to dredge up past issues or invent new ones. Clearly spell out in your divorce agreement the reasons that would constitute a need for supervised parenting time.

2. Decide in advance how you would choose a supervisor of the parenting time with your children. A client of mine finally asked me to supervise parenting time because his ex-wife had nixed every other supervisor. Your divorce agreement should state, even if you don’t need a supervisor now, the education, age, and gender that would be acceptable. That way, if one spouse finds someone who meets those objective requirements, the other parent can’t say no.

3. Decide who would pay for supervised parenting time and how long it would last. Supervised parenting time can get expensive. When a supervisor is paid $40 to $100 per hour, there’s only a limited time that most parents can even afford to pay for the visits. Lest it become a means of squeezing one parent out of the children’s lives, you should have an exit strategy—as soon as X happens, supervised parenting time will end. Usually, supervised parenting time is paid for by the parent being supervised, but sometimes the fee is shared between both parents. Either way, you should specify it in your divorce agreement.

Parenting after divorce

1. Is there a required parenting class after divorce? All parents seeking a divorce in Oregon who have at least one minor child must take a three- or four-hour parenting class. If you have only adult children, or you have minor children but none of them are the product of your current marriage, the class is not required. Each county does their class differently. Some are a series of hour-long classes. Others are a one-time, half-day class. The fee is usually around $150, and whether you can attend with your ex or must attend on your own is up to each county to decide. While you don’t need to have completed the parenting class when you file for divorce, you do need your certificate of completion by the time you finalize your divorce.

2. How long does a parenting plan last? A parenting plan is indefinite unless you’ve put a fixed duration on it. If you don’t provide in your agreement how you will revise the plan, it will remain in effect even after its provisions don’t seem effective. A parenting plan tends to be revised about half as often as you buy new clothes for your kids—frequently for younger children and less often for older children or teens. Your divorce agreement should specify the duration of the parenting plan.

3. How do you change your parenting plan? You can either agree privately to modify your parenting plan by mutual agreement, or you can, as a last resort, go to court for a modification. Whoever helped facilitate your divorce, whether a lawyer or a mediator, can also assist you in changing your parenting plan. Your divorce agreement should specify how you will go about changing your plan and the steps you will undertake as you do.

4. How do you know what will work before you try it? Should you involve your kids in forming your parenting plan? By involving your kids, and specifying in your divorce agreement how you have, you will anticipate any red flags they may raise that will hinder the parenting plan or its implementation in the future.

Mutual support and respect as divorced parents

1. Do not compare the children to the other parent. If something is wrong, it’s wrong because it’s wrong, not because the other parent does it. Saying “you’re just like your mom” or “you’re just like your dad” will harm your relationship with your children more than it will harm the other parent. Discuss in your written divorce agreement how you will speak about the children vis-à-vis the other parent, to avoid expressing the unavoidable negative reminders that emerge.

2. Do not complain to the children about the divorce. People should complain to two kinds of people—people who can change the situation and people who are part of their support system. Your kids are neither. They didn’t ask for this situation, and they can’t change it. Neither should they be part of your support system. That duty falls to some other adult or a group of adults, but not to children who are already working through their own trauma based on the same event.

3. Do not discuss your crimped budget with the children. Do your best to afford everything that benefited the children in the past, but if you can’t, don’t blame the divorce or the other parent for your inability to buy what you once did. Such behavior will, ironically, alienate you from the children more than the other parent. Pledge in your divorce agreement not to discuss monetary issues with the children.

4. Do not let others malign your ex, even outside the kids’ presence. You broke a promise to your ex to stay with him or her for life. Now, don’t make it worse by breaking a promise to your children to love them for life as well. Craft a detailed pledge of respect in your divorce agreement, so that both of you understand your commitments to uphold the reputation of the other parent.

Nesting--one parenting approach after divorce

1. What is nesting? Nesting is an arrangement where parents keep the family home and acquire a smaller residence for each to live in while the other is having parenting time. Nesting rarely works well, because of all the cooperation needed for it to function, but when it does work, it works exceptionally well.

2. What are the advantages of nesting?

a. Cost savings. You don’t need to full-size homes appointed for the children.
b. Stability. The kids don’t have to move or transition between two homes.
c. Unity. The kids see their parents functioning as a cohesive parenting unit, even while no longer spouses.

3. What are the disadvantages of nesting?
a. Continued ties of one parent to the other parent. The purpose of divorce is to cut ties, not create new ones.
b. Confusion. If both parents live in the house, even if not at the same time, the kids may not grasp that the parents are actually divorced.
c. Roommate issues. Who’s using all the hot water or eating the food that one parent bought at one house or the other will be issues, believe it or not.

4. What are the alternatives to nesting?
a. An equal parenting schedule. If the goal is to involve the children substantially with both parents, there are other ways to do it than by sharing a residence.
b. Each parent planning his or her work schedule around the kids’ schedules. That way, you get the benefit of nesting—access to the kids when they and you are most available—without the hassles of sharing a dwelling with your ex.

Parenting schedules in divorce

1. An evenly divided schedule with alternating weeks. This schedule provides continuity within each week. It also gives each parent some parenting time on each day of the week so that one is not always doing weekdays or weekends. You can also add a midweek evening (non-overnight) with the other parent so you don’t have to go seven whole days without the kids and one parent seeing each other.

2. Every other weekend and an evening or two (non-overnight) during the week. The advantage of this schedule is that there is never more than a few days between either parent’s parenting time. The disadvantages are the possibility of disruption by having evening events during the week and the fact that this schedule is still slanted toward one parent or the other.

3. An evenly divided schedule with three days each and an alternating seventh day of the week. This is similar to the every-other-weekend setup with one or two evenings, but it provides for equal parenting time. The disadvantage is that it still bisects the school week and the weekend.

4. Time for each parent alone by themselves each month. Parents aren’t expected to be superheroes. Take care of yourselves—and spell out in your divorce agreement how you will—so that both of you will be well-rested. That way, you can bring your children your best selves.

5. Time for each parent with each child alone each month. When the family unit makes wholesale changes, it’s still important to realize that the group is made up of individuals. You can note as part of your parenting time schedule what each of those individual parenting times will be.

Challenges of men and divorce

1. Coping with less money. Unless the husband is going to give the wife every penny he earns, which isn’t possible, both spouses are going to have to live with less. It’s nothing personal to either gender. Most people are financially stable after divorce. Moreover, most divorce agreements specify that spousal support will decrease over time, so a financial pinch is likely to be only temporary.

2. Coping with less parenting time. Most men’s parenting time does not decrease after a divorce. Parenting time schedules try to replicate the routine that the kids had prior to the divorce. Even if a dad has less parenting time than the mom, it’s likely because the dad didn’t share caretaking responsibilities equally with the mother before the divorce. Parenting time schedules are never set in stone forever. They can always change one way or the other of the best interests of the child require it.

3. Having to learn all functions as a single parent. If Dad is part of the routine on more than just the weekend, he has to learn how to do all the things that Mom used to do all by herself. But that shouldn’t be held against Dad any more than Mom’s lack of work experience outside the home would be held against her. The divorce agreement should include an affirmation by both parents of their readiness to take on all relevant child-related tasks.

4. Expressing their emotions in divorce. Men traditionally have a harder time expressing their feelings. For that reason, both parents should state the rationale for their divorce-related decisions in the divorce agreement. That way, Dad won’t agree to something he may regret later.

Medical issues for kids and parents during and after divorce

1. Does one parent have to provide health insurance to the other? State law provides for the constitution of health insurance for a period after the divorce. Sometimes, people delay a divorce just so that both parents can maintain health insurance. Either way, your divorce agreement should specify how each family member will receive health insurance and who will pay the premiums.

2. Does the health of a parent impact child custody? If your child has a medical condition, your divorce agreement should affirm that both parents are equally capable of providing care. If that statement isn’t presently true, you need to give each parent those skills before finalizing your divorce agreement.

3. How are unreimbursed medical expenses handled during a divorce? Three possibilities. One parent of the other can pay all the expenses. Both parents can share the expenses equally. Both parents can share the expenses in proportion to their income.

4. Does the law require parents to have health insurance for their children? No, but it should. The Oregon Health Plan is available for people who truly cannot afford other coverage. Usually, the non-custodial parent Is the one who provides and pays for that coverage.

Special concerns for GLBT and non-traditional relationships

1. Is it easier to be married than to be unmarried? Having a marriage gives you a legal framework that affords your kids predictability during and after the marriage. You leave more to chance in an unmarried relationship. That means if you’re ending an unmarried relationship, you need to do more of the legwork on your own to include things in the divorce agreement that you want to protect yourself because the existing framework isn’t detailed enough.

2. What do we have to remember about ending a non-traditional relationships? You can agree by contract to many, if not all, of the same things that married people agree to. Your contract needs to be detailed because not as much is assumed by default in non-traditional relationships.

3. How is custody shared in gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender relationships? Child custody can be agreed in non-traditional relationships just as in traditional relationships. Child custody depends on the best interests of the child, which is one of the ways that the court system actually does right by non-traditional families, among many ways that it does not.