To Cohabit or Not to Cohabit?

The Courier News of Elgin, Illinois observed that “it used to be rare to see couples choose to live in the same home after a divorce. Now, it’s increasingly common. The tight economic circumstances are forcing people into difficult choices. Generally, it’s a bad idea to live together after a divorce. The main detractor is the toxicity of the home that likely exists just as it is. Toxicity between soon-to-be ex-spouses almost always gets worse before it gets better. It is patently stupid to wait for a situation that is already bad to become completely intolerable before you do anything about it.

The other reason it’s a bad idea to cohabit with your estranged spouse is the message it sends to the children. Almost all children view divorce as a form of trauma, as it is, and the more that Mom and Dad continue to occupy the same home, all the while claiming they are getting a divorce, the kids are more likely to wonder, “If you’re getting along well enough to remain in the same home together, why are you putting us through the hardship of a divorce?”

However, cohabiting prior to divorce does serve some noble purposes. First, it conserves the family’s resources by not straining the finances to fund a second residence. Second, it allows the couple to consider whether they truly believe that separation is in their best interests, so that it is a contemplated decision and not a haphazard one.

On balance, nevertheless, I oppose cohabitation once a couple has determined that they need a separation, because they are more likely to gain clarity if they indeed separate physically. Moreover, if they do end up divorcing, the quality and amicability of their divorce discussions and negotiations will likely be far greater because they will not have the pent-up animosity that comes from sharing close quarters with someone with whom they are not on good terms.