Co-Petitioning: A More Civil Alternative

Congressman Lacy Clay’s wife, Ivie, recently learned through news reports that her husband was planning to divorce her. Although most people aren’t so high-profile as to find the details of their private lives splashed across the headlines, the Clay case nonetheless demonstrates the right ways and the wrong ways to communicate divorce information to the other spouse.

A discussion of how to notify your spouse about a divorce has to begin with acknowledging the truth: someone who wants a divorce can get one. Very little, if anything, that a stubborn or unwilling spouse can do will stop the divorce train if one spouse is determined to be on that train. Therefore, in most cases it is counterproductive to be difficult, because if a divorce is going to happen, it’s probably going to happen anyway, no matter what the other spouse says.

Traditionally, the way to handle divorce paperwork is for one spouse to go down to the county courthouse and complete a petition for divorce (often called Dissolution of Marriage). Then, a deputy or process server brings the papers to the other spouse (either at his or her home or his or her business). That process is somewhat hostile because the spouse is often surprised and could be embarrassed in front of his or her co-workers or children.

The more cooperative way to file for divorce is for both parties to go to the courthouse together to fill out the paperwork. That approach is called co-petitioning. In that method, neither party has to be served at home or at work because both were there to receive the paperwork in the first place. The purpose of serving the papers is to give the other party notice, but if both were there to file them, notice is already achieved.

Even when divorce is bitter, it is still personal. It is a matter between a husband and a wife. The media and the grapevine are not the proper venues to disseminate that sensitive information.