The children should not be used as allies of either parent against the other. All of Troy and Norma’s four children were allies of one parent or the other. When the kids are pressured to take sides, the strategy tends to backfire on the parent who initially benefits. It threw Troy and Norma family into turmoil and disarray.
2.
You have no right to engage in a power play, maximizing your competitive advantage over your spouse while ruining his or her credibility in your children’s eyes and alienating him from the other parent. As the insecure Gwen had totally spoiled her adult (in age, not maturity) sons to gain their affection, she alienated her own partner, Shawn, by assembling such an army against him that he could not even enjoy peace in his own home.
3.
Acknowledge that you won’t be able to be fully objective about your children and they won’t be able to do so about you. The parental bond, particularly between a child and his or her same-gender parent, takes a lot to sever. Warren’s bright children had mostly figured out that he was a schmuck who wanted to control his family members more than love them. They took his cues from time to time and tried to guilt Lynne, as Warren also did, into coming home early from her self-chosen separation.
4.
Your children should not have to consider your needs, but you must keep theirs at the forefront of your minds. Neither Jan nor Alvin asked Carmen to be an advocate, but kids are always sensitive to their parents’ needs and feelings, even when their concern is either unnecessary or misplaced. As Carmen’s 13th birthday approached, several months after her parents’ divorce, she worried that her party would either exclude Dad or make Mom uncomfortable.
5.
Do not ask your children to choose between their loyalties to you and those to your spouse. Jonas, the preteen son of Veronica and Guy, wanted, in his words, “to move into my brother’s trunk if my parents get a divorce.”
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