Holidays are child-focused, not parent-focused

One of my high school classmates posted something on her Facebook status tonight that fueled my desire to speak directly to divorced parents. She said, “People can choose to do what is right....or what they can get away with. Hurting others is not a consideration in the latter. People who are selfish will remain that way.” I can totally relate to her sentiments, especially at this time of year when giving generally abounds, except for many divorced parents, for whom selfishness spreads faster than germs in a Kindergarten classroom.

Whether as a religious event or a cultural tradition, somewhere north of 90% of Americans will celebrate Christmas in three days. Christmas is about giving. It is about putting others’ needs ahead of your own. This time of year reminds all of us to make a special effort to be generous and selfless. But parents have that obligation every minute of every day of the year. Being selfish is a choice in general, as my friend suggests, but it should not be among the options that parents consider. Parents must hold themselves to a higher standard. If parents are not generous and selfless toward their children, who else can be expected to do so?

Although parents must often tell their children what to do on matters such as nutrition, study habits, or bedtime, how to celebrate holidays is nothing of the sort. However, speaking of routines, most children seek to preserve their longstanding traditions anyway. It seems consistent for parents who have insisted on many other predictable routines would also adhere to longtime customs at the holiday time also.

Except for one thing: divorced parents are often spiteful. They change the routine suddenly and disregard their children’s needs and preferences because they desperately crave their own comfort and stoke their bitterness toward the other parent. If you are going to consider your children’s opinions, and any child-focused parent should, you need to be open to it. When you hear a preference, even if you don’t share that opinion, it’s the holidays. Do what your kid wants to do, especially if it’s what your family has always done, unless there is a compelling reason not. Not just any reason. A compelling one. And in case you aren’t sure whether it’s compelling, ask another adult you trust. Judge that person’s immediate body language and reaction. You’ll have a pretty good idea whether you’re off-base or not.

Divorce seldom results in both parents living in or even taking turns living in the same house. If finances and geography allow, as they usually do, one parent can remain in the family home with the children. That is the home where the kids have spent their most recent years—and possibly their entire lives. It is furnished with the beds, sofas, and toys they’ve always used. Their friends live within walking or biking distance. The second residence is likely a smaller apartment or rented house, and it is definitely a place that is not as familiar to the kids as their home. Traditions have been made in the first home, not in the second home, and as long as one of the parents still has the family home, it makes sense both practically and emotionally to carry on the traditions in the home where they’ve long taken place.

Parents have to trust the other parent to handle new roles. “I’ve always done the Christmas routine, and my kids’ Christmas will be ruined if I don’t do it” is not an acceptable answer. There is always a division of labor in a home, and the fact that one parent has been the one to perform a particular task in the intact home does not compel the conclusion that the other parent is incapable of doing it. I’m sure the other parent would find it to be the height of condescension to be told by his or her ex that only the ex had the capacity to do something, especially a simple responsibility.

I’ve had clients tell me something similar in the past, especially around preserving the holiday traditions. So I call their bluff: “OK, if you don’t think he can get adequate presents for the kids so that they have a memorable Christmas morning, you go bring some of your extras over to his house, and then the kids will have them, if this is really about them.” Of course, of the three or four clients with whom I’ve tried that tactic, none has ever taken me up on the proposal. Why? Because I called them on the carpet for their obvious attempt to manipulate the circumstances to their advantage. If it were really about the children, the other parent would go the extra mile and not seek the credit for it. Suffering the pain of a divorce does not license a parent to cause more pain to his or her children.

Divorce does not make kids traumatize their parents, but parents in divorce can easily and deeply traumatize their children. Do not ask the kids their preferences outside the presence of the other parent, if you ask at all. Enlist the help of a third party to seek the opinions of your children gently and inform you confidentially. Children WILL NOT give both parents the same answer, or an honest answer, to contentious or sensitive questions. Do not make the children face the unenviable choice of siding with a parent or upsetting one. When you do consult a third party, that person has no interest in the outcome and no reason to take sides. What he or she is telling you is most likely the unvarnished truth, like it or not.

This holiday season is not about you. You had 18 years of childhood holidays. Presumably, they were happy. If so, you owe your children the same. If yours were not joyous, you owe your children better than what you had. Bottom line: your children should not pay the bill for your emotional debts. It is not your children’s job to fill the holes that divorce has left in your life. It is your job to clean up the carnage that the fractured family has caused in theirs. It is unfair to ask your children to be your friend or your shoulder to cry on. Let your kids be kids, and make sure they see you acting as a mature adult would. If you would not choose to expand your horizons by making friends with other 10-year-olds, as no healthy adult would, don’t leave your own ten-year-old with the burden of being your friend, confidant, and protector.