Holiday Strategies for Divorced Parents

Over one million Americans—the vast majority parents of minor children—will have divorced in 2009. Millions of children will experience their first post-divorce holidays, and millions more will endure another painful year of fading traditions and fractured relationships.

As a divorce mediator, I know that while the potential for conflict-ridden holidays looms ominously, keeping in mind five key strategies will allow divorced parents to say “Happy Holidays” and mean it.

1. Divorce ends a marriage but not a family. Families do not have to disintegrate and pretend the other members don’t exist just because Mom and Dad decided not to be spouses. Don’t turn one sad event into two ongoing sad events. If you are confident you can be civil, celebrate the holidays together. Have the traditional meals. Spend time in each other’s homes with the children. The only caveat is not to get so chummy with each other that your kids start to ask “So, why are you divorced?”

2. Parents must preserve their children’s routines as much as reasonably possible. The family structure has changed, as has at least one parent’s residence. The holiday traditions should not be the next rock of stability yanked away. If Mom’s extended family has done the same thing every year on the same date, so what if it’s Dad’s date to have the kids this year? The kids come before the parents’ desire to even the score. A child-focused holiday schedule means doing right by the children, not making sure the parents have equal-down-to-the-minute parenting time.

3. Avoid the “deck of cards versus home theater system” one-upmanship. Both parents should agree on a gift budget so that the kids are not receiving disparate gifts. The concept of buying the kids’ affection is no fable. Consistency is important. The reasons a frugal parent does not want to compete with a spendthrift are obvious. However, kids also hold extravagant purchases against the spender if that parent seems to enjoy financial abundance while the other parent lives like a pauper. “Mom, thanks for the board game” should never be paired with “Dad, are we going to pick up the new pony before the Hawaiian cruise or after we get back?”

4. Children have no exes. Parents need to be adults, and if you’ve had the same in-laws for years, surely you can stand to be around them for a couple of hours for the celebration your kids have remembered every year since they were born. Ending a marriage severs your relationship to your in-laws, not your kids’ relationship to their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. If you’re happy to be rid of your ex’s family, be glad you don’t have to see them day in and day out, but any adult can be civil for one evening.

5. Don’t let Family #2 make you forget about Family #1. Celebrating holidays together, even if it works initially, can get sticky when new partners, spouses, and children. The degree of sensitivity to the children and their other parent determines whether that transition is smooth or rocky. If possible, parents should wait at least two holiday cycles before involving a new partner in holiday celebrations, so that the kids’ routine can remain intact without the adjustment to new people right away.

There are no divorced children; there are only divorced parents. Divorced parents can focus on celebrations. Throw a party instead of throwing a fit. Celebrate so your children know without a doubt that they mattered enough to be more important than your problems with their other parent.

Matthew M. House, J.D. is a divorce and family law mediator in private practice in Portland, Oregon.