Time for a change -- a shift in how we think about divorce

I sat with a wonderful family last Thursday. Mom and Dad were the nicest couple -- vital, gregarious, and, above all, kind to each other and to their children. I then met with the children, a teenage girl and a primary-school boy. The kids were traumatized not only by the thought of divorce but also by the fact that they had visited a therapist who was far less than helpful and, in fact, had made things worse. My challenge that hour was to help the kids see that the divorce could be just "a word" but not a life-wrecking cataclysm.

I asked the kids whether they had any questions about the divorce, and they stumped me. "Why are Mom and Dad divorcing?" they asked. I saw that one coming a mile away, because Mom and Dad, by all outside accounts, appeared to be a loving couple who was as far away from divorce as possible. But I didn't have the answer to the kids' question, so here's how I punted. I asked them whether there was any possible answer that would satisfy them and make them say "Oh, OK, great idea."

"No, I guess not," they replied.

"Well, if that's the case, I guess we can just trust that Mom and Dad made the best decision they could for your family and that they would never try to hurt either one of you on purpose." They admitted that was true, and so we then proceeded to brainstorm ways that the divorce was actually good for them. Mom and Dad wouldn't fight as much, they reasoned. We'll get double the Christmas presents, the son brought up. We'll have two bedrooms, the daughter mentioned. They found a silver lining in the cloud of divorce, and they realized, if only for their own family, that divorce doesn't have to be a disaster.